Eggshells

I could understand if I started balling everytime someone said the word "baby" or "pregnant" around me. I could even understand if I never spoke about it at all, or if I cried when I do speak about it. I think I handle myself pretty well and I pat myself on the back for handling other people's pregnancy announcements, newborn baby showings, and all the cute little benchmarks they make like crawling and walking. I don't cry. I don't run away. I don't put the focus on me. I join in the cuteness and coo and smile because I want to. I am happy about life, even if I don't have any inside my womb. I don't think that I have ever done anything that would warrant anyone to feel like they need to walk on eggshells around me when it comes to "anything baby." So why the tippy-toeing?


My friend is pregnant. You remember her, some of you have been praying for her. When did she tell me? I found out the day after Our Lady came to my house (try to tell me that wasn't Divine Intervention). How did she tell me? She called me over to her work and told me I can have the meds she was taking from Dr. H because she "doesn't need them anymore." Cute, and insensitive all rolled into one. But I was soo excited for her! I mean genuinely excited! I just knew she would get pregnant 3 months after seeing Dr. H!!! I just knew it! And I would like to say: I was right. I want to say that again: I was right! It wasn't until I got home that I cried a little. Not because I'm not happy for her, but because I would love to have that moment with my husband: the exciting moment when you see the HPT then wait for the blood test results - that moment. I'd love to have that too! It is not jealousy, it is not envy. It is sadness because I would love to grow my family with my husband and I can't. It is not a sin to want a family, or for feeling sad because you can't have what is good (yet). It is a normal emotion worthy of the one minute I allowed myself to grieve in the loneliness of my empty house, alone. The only one walking on eggshells is my dog who is wondering why I'm crying (or when I'm going to let her out to go potty).

My friend told me that the only one at work that knows about her pregnancy is the nurse, who happens to also be my friend, who is helping her with her PIO shots. My first thought: good idea for if/when I get pregnant....ha! I ran into that friend in the fabric section at wally-world on Saturday. I was excited to see her, she appeared like a deer in headlights. No hugs, no "let's do lunch"... just awkwardness with a quick escape. I am only left to guess it was because of the "new" news that either a) she doesn't know that I know which makes it a "secret," or b) she knew that I know and she didn't know what to say to "me", otherwise known as the infertile one that has been trying for 4 years. That's what I've got! The weirdo/awkward/uncomfortable-ness in the fabric section was eggshells. She never even looked at the fabric which is what she obviously was there for. And she wasn't in a hurry, as a matter of fact I saw her in the next section (probably waiting for me to leave so she could go back)! I don't know....but I don't like it!

I get it. I understand that people don't always know what to say to me. Like on Mother's Day. As I was telling everyone "Happy Mother's Day" and they just responded with blank stares. I get that! But randomly running into people at the store only requires a "Hi, how are you?" That's it. The fact that I don't have a baby in the cart is not the topic I am trying to discuss at that moment or most moments as a matter of fact. We can discuss ANYTHING else in the world - trust me, I'd rather talk about ANYTHING ELSE anyway! But is this what people see when they see me? My empty arms? Is my abdomen transparent and you can see my broken ovaries? Do I have a look of dispair on my face that I'm not aware of?

On the other hand, there was the lady after Mass at fellowship today that told three other women that all I need to do is get my DH drunk so he can relax. Yep, that is what the five of us discussed for two whole minutes: How I just need to get my husband drunk and then we'll get pregnant. The other ladies, now they were uncomfortable - and rightly so! Welcome to my world fertiles! Good grief!

Side note: Thanks for praying for my friend. She's not sure what it was that helped her conceive, but I know that whatever it was - it was Catholic! And that's enough for me ;)