Searching For Help

It's a dark, creepy world out there and the nature of the job is catching up to me. At night, while discussing his very long day, we see a figure in the night walking up to the door. Who is that!?! Or more importantly - Who should answer the door!?! Was I a little spooked? YES! It turns out to be okay, kind of. It's the neighbor kid...in shorts, a zip up hoodie, no shoes...crying. It's 15 degrees outside. The 16 year old got into a family fight and he came to us for help. By 10:30PM we have it all figured out...how much drama can we handle by midnight? I'm going to bed before I can find out.

Holy Family, look over our neighbors tonight and every night. Let them find peace in their home, remembering the unconditional love for each other, that love which is examplified by you, and made perfect between God Our Father and Jesus Christ Our Lord. May the teachings of your Son light the way for their family and every family. I ask this through Christ Our Lord, Amen.

Genesis 30:1

I feel her pain. I can identify. My comfort is knowing what happens, and praying that in the near future I will still be able to identify.

The thought of miscarriage has scared me so much that I am just about frozen. I actually thought yesterday "forget it, let's just move on with adoption". This is stressful, dominating my mind ALL THE TIME. I wonder how everyone else is able to move on with their lives like everything is okay. Aren't you wondering what kind of mucus I'm having today? Don't you wonder what that ache or pain was? Did you pray for my healing and ask God to purify my womb today? I did...more than once. Please God, hear my prayer.

Thy will be done...

My mind is so flooded that if anyone gives me a minute of attention I unknowingly pull them into my sea...and soon we both are drowning. I did it again yesterday, and as cathartic as it is for me to let the floodgate down, I feel silly, and vulnerable, and embarrassed to expose myself like that. There is no doubt...I NEED A SUPPORT GROUP.

I look back on a journal entry from 1/15/2010: As I sit in recovery, my belly cut open and sore, healing flesh, hoping it can heal my soul. Preparing for a year of hardship, wondering if my prayers will be answered - are they supposed to be? And how much longer, if ever? I am saddened this is so hard. I hurt for my husband who has no choice but to journey with me, and I beat myself up with my "what ifs". But I snap out of it and remind myself that this thinking is not fair...I can only live in the present. I can only be here now. And praying that I can grow my family, with my husband, enjoined forever, united, with the greatest gift God could give us...ourselves.

Do you understand? Can you understand? I know who can, who does, so I pay a visit.



And He reminds me that He has it under control. "Thy will be done" brings me to tears, I'm glad that it does, because then I am reminded of who is really in control. I'm carrying my cross and following Him, and although I stumble often, I know who wins in the end - and that comforts me. He comforts me. Thanks be to God!

I miss him when he's gone...

Do we ever say "I love you" enough? Do we show others that we appreciate others and value our relationships in a way that expresses our true feelings? I adore my husband. He has been an inspiration to me, supportive and a true comfort. I look forward to the years ahead of us as I know that we will continue to grow and the fruits of our love will manifest bigger and stronger as each day enfolds. I am happy, I am lucky, I am blessed that he was chosen for me...and I found him. I am better with him, so when he is gone...I eagerly wait for his return, because I miss him, and because I love him. Come home safely, honey. I miss you when you're gone.

Happy Valentine's Day

I wasn't expecting roses. I asked for flowers, and I knew he was going to the florist, but I didn't think he'd come home with roses. Tulips or carnations, but not roses. I love them. They are beautiful. And Lexi looks great in one of the ribbons that wrapped them.



My Funny Valentine, Lexi. She has been soo good today that she earned several treats, walks, and play times with her best friend - ME! We made daddy a cake (chocolate with vanilla frosting) and a special message from the girls. Because you can never hear it enough, and it's even better in chocolate! What a nice Valentine's Day!

I am on an island.

I am on an island. Like in the drama "Lost", yep, that is me, only without a cast of 20. It's just me...maybe my husband too, but sometimes I feel I am definately alone. But I know that there are people out there like me, I just don't know where they are or how to reach them. What I do know for sure is that I definately feel I am misunderstood.

So my answer tonight was "No, I don't want to go to the Superbowl party". Why? Because I don't want to be the only one there without a kid...again. A house full of children running everywhere. Cute kids, all ages, all sizes...nice families, I just can't be near it right now. The truth is that last New Years when I was near it - I struggled. A house full of kids and mommies and daddies, and me and my husband - childless. No one asks how we are doing...no one asks for a follow-up on the specialist they knew about three years ago...no one cares to know about our progress at all (or lack thereof). This can make me cry.

I understand that people don't know what to say. I know that it makes people uncomfortable - how do you think I feel? I bring in the big pink "infertile" elephant into the room, and no one says anything!!! But my heart breaks, silently, and alone, in a big house with kids everywhere. This is not my definition of fun, so please excuse my attendance until I have a baby to bring!

So, what do I need? I need someone who understands that I still love your baby and think he's adorable, but I just don't want to hold him because that hurts me. And I need someone to understand that just because I really, really want a baby, there is a chance that I still won't have one - so telling me that it will happen soon is not supportive. And "no", I'm not being negative, and I'm not depressed for thinking that! And mentioning your "problems" conceiving and dropping the name of your IVF doctor is also uncomfortable for me, because now I have to explain why that is not an option for me which implies that I don't agree with your choice. And unless you have Diabetes, PCOS, endo, thyroid...we're not the same...so I don't care if all you needed was Clomid, or to take some cough syrup, or to just "relax" - that is not going to work for me.

What I need is for you to not ignore me! What I need is for you to call me every once in a while to check in with me. Maybe we can have lunch, and maybe I'll tell you more about how I feel about my "situation". Believe it or not, I want to talk to people about it! I want to be understood. I think about it all the time! I don't want your pity, I don't want you to dance around the subject, but I need you to listen to what I have to say...and I'll tell you how much I want you to know. Let me be the driver, but let me know you are interested in the route. Let me know that you can see me, that I am not invisible, and that I am not on an island. And in the meantime, please post more pictures of you kids, because I really do enjoy those. And while you're at it....pray for me.

Today I sneezed and it didn't hurt.

4 weeks and 1 day in and I finally had a comfortable nights sleep...on the couch. I just might graduate to the bed - move over honey, I'm back!

On January 4th I had full blown surgery: Ovarian Wedge Resection on both ovaries and removal of Stage 3 endometriosis, performed by the famous Dr. Hilgers of the Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha, Nebraska. As the over-achiever I am, I expected to be fully recovered earlier than the "average" person. And although I am feeling fine most of the time, especially when I rest for most of the day, I am not yet able to say that I am 100% in the clear. I have to constantly remind myself, and my husband helps periodically, that I had major surgery and although the outside looks nice, it's the inside that we need to be most concerned about. I am still a little swollen, and my incision is now at that "incredibly itchy" stage, but today I sneezed and it didn't hurt. To me...this is a sure sign that I am healing.

So what is an Ovarian Wedge Resection? It surgery for women with Polycystic Ovarian Disease (PCOD or PCOS), in which the doctor removes a wedge of the ovary. In my case, my ovaries were five times the normal size, and Dr. Hilgers kindly made them "normal". I interpret this to mean that he cut out 80% of both ovaries. My left one, probably not that big of a deal, but my right one was invaded by an alien, endometriosis, which had to be cut out and lasered. I called it "my alien" until 1/4, because that is what it looked like. To see the pictures of it taken in November during my laparoscopy made me literally scream outloud - it was beyond gross-looking. I called it hidious, Dr. Hilgers called it aggressively ugly. We prayed it wasn't cancer...and it wasn't. It was endo, and Dr. Hilgers said he can remove it, of which he did. Then we heard the number: 80%. My surgery was a 10 out of 10 and the predicted chance of us conceiving now is eighty percent. I wanted to name my blog eighty-percent, but some monkey guy has it and hasn't posted in two years. Grrr!!! But My Heart Exults is more appropriate, for my suffering is not new to women, it is historical. And these women inspire me to trust in the Lord, for nothing is impossible...