An Infertiles Wish List

This panda gave birth after conceiving through IVF. I give up! But this is not the topic of this post...fortunately.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my new NaPro doctor. I brought a list of my meds with me so the nurse could just copy it instead of me telling her everything. I had written down that I (also) take HCG on P+3, 5, 7 and 9 and the nurse did not know what that meant. I had to explain it to her and she laughed saying how "you fertility girls know your stuff." She was a very nice nurse, but I couldn't help but think: as the napro nurse, shouldn't you know that too? How naive I am. 

But that got me thinking: What do I expect from people? I'm stuck in my little IF world, but so are you, and you, and you, so this allows me to think that my world is bigger than it is. It's not. It is small, and the rest of the universe doesn't care. And yet I am always shocked and surprised when I discover how few speak my language.

So my current pondering is: Am I being selfish? And am I dismissing my own selfishness when I expect the rest of the world to know what it is that I want or even need from them regarding my infertility? In my last post, "Eggshells", my friend told me she is pregnant. The way she told me was "cute and insensitive all at the same time." I went home and cried, so the cute part only lasted as long as I was in front of her. Is there any way that she could have told me that she is pregnant that would have been acceptable to me? Would I have felt better if she suppressed her excitement and focused on how her news might be difficult for me to hear? No! So really...what could anyone say that would help me to fully and honestly embrace their happiness without recognizing my own cross and grief? I don't think those words exist, and so what is it that I want?

The truth is, if we conceived, I would be yelling it from the rooftops! Four years we've been trying, praying, charting, pill popping and taking shots...our pregnancy just might hit the local newspaper (or at least a church announcement since I am responsible for writing them - I'm kidding, kind of)! Should I hold back my excitement because IF still exists after I've conquered it? That would be silly, and unrealistic, and impossible. Is that selfish? I don't think so...I would think that kind of excitement is warranted and quite appropriate, whether you understand infertility or have never been blessed with it.

Yet, I've separated my blogroll from the "haves" and "have nots." I contemplate shutting down FB because of all the pictures, videos, announcements and ultrasound pics too. I see babies or pregnant women everywhere and it takes my breath away more often than I'd like to admit, and I've found myself avoiding speaking to pregnant women or growing families. I am already thinking of a plan on how to "avoid my pregnant friend" or more like avoid her growing belly. Avoiding pain is a normal thing, but avoidance can also be unhealthy. If I constantly withdraw and eliminate myself from the fertile world, who will be there for me if/when I cross over? What is the proper thing to do? And how do we co-mingle in where we can show true compassion for each other?

In the meantime, I thought I'd try to help some people understand a little bit of what it is like to be infertile. I will trust that others with this cross will add anything I've missed in the comment section. I saw a list similar to this one  when I first met blog-world. I was able to identify with most things, but must admit I've edited out the items I could never see myself identifying with (usually IVF related - the panda has more in common with those items).

Try to understand...

• that unprotected sex does not necessarily lead to pregnancy.
• that the longer you are TTC (trying to conceive), the more pregnant women will spring up around you.
• that living your life in 2 week increments has become the norm for us.
• how frustrating it is to know more about the female reproductive system than most doctors I've been to.
• that simply relaxing will not get me pregnant.
• that I have no control over some of the goals we've set.
• that praying really hard for something doesn't always make it happen.
• that a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
• that miscarriage is soo common.
• that infertility is soo common.
• that I wish I would have started to "try" sooner.
• that my friends pregnancies can make me feel sad instead of happy.
• that my husband knows more about my mucus than I'd like him to know.
• that it is insensitive to ask people when they are going to have a baby.
• that women who do get pregnant are very blessed.
• that medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant, but are a sure fire way to lose a lot of money.
• that I should have bought stock in EPT or Clear Blue Easy. And if I did, I'd be rich.
• that doctors should prescribe Zo.loft with Clo.mid.
• that seeing Aunt Flo can make you cry, no matter who's bathroom you're in.
• that it does not get easier as time goes by, it gets harder every single month.
• that sometimes I can't hold or see someones baby because it just hurts way too much.
• that my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
• that I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and some announcement will make me cry.
• that my faith in God is being tested heavily.
• that my faith in God is growing immensely
• that the only people who truly understand me are people I have never met.
• that I can become bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnancies, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnancies.
• that there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work, no matter how many coworkers get pregnant at the same time.
• that it hurts when people imply or plainly say they don't want to talk about infertility anymore.
• that I am glad to know that I have PCOD because at least I know what is wrong with me.
• that I spend a lot of time learning what my body is doing, or isn't doing.
• that foreplay begins when my husband asks what kind of mucus I'm having today.
• that an HSG can tell you more than if your tubes are blocked.
• that some people just say the wrong things.
• that a simple blood test can cost $600.
• that sex can eventually become a chore.
• that I could slightly resent anyone that tells me that they "know how I feel".
• that I could feel incredibly embarrassed, sad, and ashamed.
• that my body makes me feel broken and dysfunctional.
• that it is not always fun to have sex when you have clear, stretchy and lubricative mucus.
• that people pity me and feel sorry for me.
• that I would get upset if I woke up at 3am because it is too early to take my temp.
• that the well-meaning question, "have you taken your BBT?" would annoy me.
• that people telling me to "just relax" would infuriate me.
• that it is upsetting that anyone would suggest adoption because it might help to get me pregnant (because it happened to someone they know!)
• that I would choose to not attend a party with children  in fear of the question, "when are you going to start having babies?"
• that the people around me will grow more and more insensitive with time.
• that people would say, "be happy you are not tied down"
• that watching "A Baby Story" would make me cry and become torture to watch.
• that I sometimes have to listen to people talk about their kids as if they are burdens.
• that people would tell me "it's okay not to have children."
• that some commercials for birth control pills, condoms, and the day after pill makes me want to vomit.
• that every girl with irregular periods should seek treatment asap - and birth control pills are not treatment.
• that I would keep my infertility and PCOD a secret.
• that I feel stupid and naive for thinking that pregnancy would occur "when I'm ready".