I woke up gloomy, no - depressed, after our "miscommunication" regarding adoption last night. And because we were "miscommunicating" we didn't take advantage of 10CK. Depressed. And as I was sulking to myself, I thought about redemptive suffering. My sufferings are worth something...but for what? Or for whom? Who am I suffering for? Haven't I suffered enough already? No...I haven't. Ok, let me pick up my cross and head into work. Taking my car keys, the doorbell rang.
Jehovah's Witnesses. I've been waiting for them for two months. They were coming over and my DH was too nice, listening to them and taking their materials as to not hurt their feelings. I've been waiting for them and they chose today to come over. They tell me they want to leave some materials. I tell them I'd be happy to take it as long as they take some material I have for them. Rosaries, and a pamphlet on how to pray it. They weren't interested. After 10 minutes, I tell them I have to go to work at the church. She offers me her pamphlet again, I offer my rosary. We part empty handed. God Bless!
Then I get in my car; 4 lights go off. ABS, check engine, brakes, and the monitor is saying something about get service and a chime is dinging every two seconds. I consider this a full blown attack by the devil. I must have done a good job with the JW's.
When I get to work, I receive an email from the Natural Family Planning Coordinator for the diocese. She needs my help. Someone read an NFP ad in a church bulletin that said "NFP may help those TTC to achieve pregnancy". She disagrees with that ad and is angry about it because she has PCOD and her doc told her she could only have children through IVF. Could they refer her to me? If they only knew of how I struggle myself. But of course...I'd be happy to talk to her IF she ever calls me...which I doubt. We'll see.
But by lunch I am reminded of how blessed I really am as my friend truly listens to me. Later, I come across John 16:20-24, just what I needed. God has a plan for me and it is way better than I can even imagine! "You will grieve, but your grief will become joy."
So at the end of my day, I make a quick stop into the church. Thank You God for all You have done for me. Thank You for allowing me to unite myself with Your Son in my sufferings. Thank You for allowing me to be a vessle for others in their moments of sadness. Thank You for giving me the words to defend the faith, gracefully. Thank You for the giving me the strength to make it through the day, standing firm to the tactics of the devil, and in the end, spending alone time with the One I love and Who loves me more.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
A Little Infertile Humor With Your Pickle
Yesterday I attended a political breakfast in which there were several state senators and a representative. Amongst the greetings and pleasantries, one of them said to me, "how are the kids?" Note: kids, plural. He has said this to me before, which is a major political blooper and I just didn't have the heart to tell him we don't have any kids, so I went along along with it, substituting my dog and cat for kids. "Oh, their good!" What was I supposed to say?!
So yesterday, he asks me, "are the kids in school yet?" I replied, "no, not yet"...Good Grief! I quickly changed the subject to his summer, because all this talk about my pets, I mean my kids, is very awkward! Now I'm in a pickle since we've had two conversations about my kids!
This morning, I tell my husband that someone needs to tell this politician that we don't have kids. My DH tells me that people ask him that same question all the time! He responds the same way I did...by telling them the kids (plural) are fine! I asked, what should I say about school? He said, "tell them they are starting preschool; Lexi (the dog) is playing nice...she still catches the ball in her mouth, brings things back when you ask her to...Chloe (the cat), she is still shy around people - we're trying to break her of that!"
There is nothing like a little infertile humor first thing in the morning with your husband. The next question: How's the CM? I love it!
So yesterday, he asks me, "are the kids in school yet?" I replied, "no, not yet"...Good Grief! I quickly changed the subject to his summer, because all this talk about my pets, I mean my kids, is very awkward! Now I'm in a pickle since we've had two conversations about my kids!
This morning, I tell my husband that someone needs to tell this politician that we don't have kids. My DH tells me that people ask him that same question all the time! He responds the same way I did...by telling them the kids (plural) are fine! I asked, what should I say about school? He said, "tell them they are starting preschool; Lexi (the dog) is playing nice...she still catches the ball in her mouth, brings things back when you ask her to...Chloe (the cat), she is still shy around people - we're trying to break her of that!"
There is nothing like a little infertile humor first thing in the morning with your husband. The next question: How's the CM? I love it!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Coincidence?
You know how you look at someone's blog, then click on someone from their blog, then someone from that blog...and before you know it you don't where you are or how you got there, but you really like the blog you are on? That happens to me all the time and I love it! Maybe a week and a half ago, as I linked, then linked again, then linked again, I came across Marygraceholmes.blogspot.com - of whom I find out later was praying for me because she was my prayer buddy. Funny, because I liked her page so much I prayed for her...ha! As my buddy, she sent me the following gift:
In case you missed it, here is a close up:
This is a third class relic of a piece of veil touched to a piece of the authentic "Sancta Camisia", veil that Our Blessed Mother wore! Such an awesome gift! Thank You Prayer Buddy!
But what is absolutly "funny" about this relic is that I have been contemplating veiling at Mass. See, I grew up in the 70's and 80's, post Vatican II, and had very little knowledge about the Traditional Latin Mass until our pastor arrived in July last year and brought this beautiful form to our parish. When he did, he had to do a lot of teaching since the older crowd thought we "got rid of this" form, and the younger generation had no idea what it was about (especially me). Of course, he taught about veiling, what it means and why women veil in the TLM. Now I must admit, I don't attend the TLM very often, mostly because I am the Mass Coordinator at 7:30am, which is the Mass my husband prefers to go to anyway. However, I really like the TLM a lot as it shows me a way of praying that I've never experienced before! It is soo beautiful, and reverant. I don't go often, but when I do go, I love it.
When I was preparing for Jerusalem, I researched veiling a little more and eventually made the decision to veil at the holy sites. I was the only one that did, and I felt a little out of place (especially when everyone thought I was a muslim that joined our Mass), but I did it anyway...and everyone caught on after the first time. I really enjoyed this as I felt it was an outward expression of my inside devotion and respect for the Blessed Sacrament and for where we were. Upon coming home (with my deeper appreciation and understanding of Christ's sacrifice for us), I wanted to veil. Of course, no one else veils at the N.O., and I haven't had the courage to do it alone, but I want to. I've looked into veiling online since and came across a blog where one woman put it: God may be call her to a deeper understanding of an issue (veiling) without necessarily calling her to participate. I've been thinking about this ever since I've read it, and then I received the relic of the Sancta Camisia. Hmmm... Ironic? Coincidence? Hmmmm....
In case you missed it, here is a close up:
This is a third class relic of a piece of veil touched to a piece of the authentic "Sancta Camisia", veil that Our Blessed Mother wore! Such an awesome gift! Thank You Prayer Buddy!
But what is absolutly "funny" about this relic is that I have been contemplating veiling at Mass. See, I grew up in the 70's and 80's, post Vatican II, and had very little knowledge about the Traditional Latin Mass until our pastor arrived in July last year and brought this beautiful form to our parish. When he did, he had to do a lot of teaching since the older crowd thought we "got rid of this" form, and the younger generation had no idea what it was about (especially me). Of course, he taught about veiling, what it means and why women veil in the TLM. Now I must admit, I don't attend the TLM very often, mostly because I am the Mass Coordinator at 7:30am, which is the Mass my husband prefers to go to anyway. However, I really like the TLM a lot as it shows me a way of praying that I've never experienced before! It is soo beautiful, and reverant. I don't go often, but when I do go, I love it.
When I was preparing for Jerusalem, I researched veiling a little more and eventually made the decision to veil at the holy sites. I was the only one that did, and I felt a little out of place (especially when everyone thought I was a muslim that joined our Mass), but I did it anyway...and everyone caught on after the first time. I really enjoyed this as I felt it was an outward expression of my inside devotion and respect for the Blessed Sacrament and for where we were. Upon coming home (with my deeper appreciation and understanding of Christ's sacrifice for us), I wanted to veil. Of course, no one else veils at the N.O., and I haven't had the courage to do it alone, but I want to. I've looked into veiling online since and came across a blog where one woman put it: God may be call her to a deeper understanding of an issue (veiling) without necessarily calling her to participate. I've been thinking about this ever since I've read it, and then I received the relic of the Sancta Camisia. Hmmm... Ironic? Coincidence? Hmmmm....
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Maybe if YOU pray for her...
I recently heard a priest say that there are three answers God can give to our prayers: "Yes, No, and Maybe." Yes is easy. You know God heard you because He answered you! No and Maybe can be very similiar; it can take a while to figure out what your answer is, and quite possibe to assume the incorrect answer. Patience can be a very hard virtue to hold.
I had dinner with a "friend" last night. Friend is in quotes because we really don't have much in common - and that's an understatement. I've known her for maybe 8 years now, and I still get together with her every now and then for one very specific reason: I'm trying to convert her. She doesn't know it, but I am.
My "friend" grew up in what she describes to be a strict religious household...Methodist maybe, I'm not sure. Once she became a teenager her parents allowed her to choose what she was going to do. Her minister is the one that told her to examine herself and follow what she believes is the Truth. She chose to follow herself, and prides herself on being a rational and well-educated person. Is she agnostic or athiest? I don't know. She once spoke of going to a church a year ago where they are eco-friendly and close down for the summer to save on air conditioning. You can imagine how hard it was for me to not judge/roll my eyes/smirk. I'm not sure how successful I was!
Once, while working together in a resid.ential program for teens, a girl brought in a book on witches and asked me to approve it so she could read it. I did not approve it - the girl accepted my answer. My "friend" however said that I had to allow it because I was discriminating as I would allow anyone to bring in the Bible. She said it was her "right" to read that. I strongly disagreed, explained why (probably in way to much detail), in which she replied how lured and explicit the Bible is and that the stories in there are inappropriate for kids (these kids in the program were on juven.ile pro.bation). Stories of redemption and forgiveness are inappropriate for these kids? It was a battle - I won.
So I have been praying for the conversion of my "friend". A couple of years ago while I was already embarking on my journey through IF, she began TTC to no avail. She openly discussed her doctor appointments, and I discussed mine. I discussed my struggles with my "secular" doctors and she discussed her struggles with her secular doctors and her options for IVF. Eventually, I found out about Creighton and Dr. H and went to Omaha where I had my second surgery. At that same time, she was getting frustrated with her doctors that would not diagnose her with anything but IF (this messed up her insurance coverage). Telling her that my treatment came with a real diagnosis that is then covered by the insurance - she was all ears! She relunctantly asked for info (she wasn't thrilled it was Catholic)...I gave it to her...she learned Creighton and is driving down to Omaha today to meet with Dr. H. I thought, "my plan may be working".....until dinner yesterday.
It turns out her husband has some "isssues", and she may have some endo. Clearing them both up, I predict they will be pregnant in three months. But she said to me yesterday, "if this doesn't work, I'm going straight to IVF. I figure I'll be out one year and $10,000." Ok, I lose...or did I? Obviously, her heart is not open to receive. Maybe my prayers for her conversion were not enough, maybe I should be praying for something else...like for her hardened heart, or to be more sensitive (to my feelings for once), or for her clarity. Or maybe God is answering my prayer with a "maybe later". He calls all His children to Him...including her. Maybe her heart is so hardened that she needs more...so I'm asking for YOU to pray for her conversion too. It may not happen for a while, but it may happen tomorrow when she steps into the PPVI Institue and sees the bust and all the pictures, plaques, and crucifixes. Maybe when the priest goes in to annoint her before her surgery (not knowing she's not catholic) but then prays with her that she will be moved by the Holy Spirit. Maybe after she gets pregnant (after following the practices of the Catholic Church :))! Anyway, they leave today for Omaha. Please pray for her...please.
O Most Holy Trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I adore Thee profoundly. I offer to Thee the most precious Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ, truly present in all the tabernacles of the world, in reparation for the outrages, sacriliges and indifference for which He Himself is offended. And through the infinite merits of His most Sacred Heart, and the Immaculate Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary, I beg of Thee the conversion of poor sinners. Amen.
O My God, I believe in Thee, I adore Thee, I hope in Thee and I love Thee. And I beg pardon for all those that do not believe in Thee, do not adore Thee, do not hope in Thee, and do not love Thee. Amen.
I had dinner with a "friend" last night. Friend is in quotes because we really don't have much in common - and that's an understatement. I've known her for maybe 8 years now, and I still get together with her every now and then for one very specific reason: I'm trying to convert her. She doesn't know it, but I am.
My "friend" grew up in what she describes to be a strict religious household...Methodist maybe, I'm not sure. Once she became a teenager her parents allowed her to choose what she was going to do. Her minister is the one that told her to examine herself and follow what she believes is the Truth. She chose to follow herself, and prides herself on being a rational and well-educated person. Is she agnostic or athiest? I don't know. She once spoke of going to a church a year ago where they are eco-friendly and close down for the summer to save on air conditioning. You can imagine how hard it was for me to not judge/roll my eyes/smirk. I'm not sure how successful I was!
Once, while working together in a resid.ential program for teens, a girl brought in a book on witches and asked me to approve it so she could read it. I did not approve it - the girl accepted my answer. My "friend" however said that I had to allow it because I was discriminating as I would allow anyone to bring in the Bible. She said it was her "right" to read that. I strongly disagreed, explained why (probably in way to much detail), in which she replied how lured and explicit the Bible is and that the stories in there are inappropriate for kids (these kids in the program were on juven.ile pro.bation). Stories of redemption and forgiveness are inappropriate for these kids? It was a battle - I won.
So I have been praying for the conversion of my "friend". A couple of years ago while I was already embarking on my journey through IF, she began TTC to no avail. She openly discussed her doctor appointments, and I discussed mine. I discussed my struggles with my "secular" doctors and she discussed her struggles with her secular doctors and her options for IVF. Eventually, I found out about Creighton and Dr. H and went to Omaha where I had my second surgery. At that same time, she was getting frustrated with her doctors that would not diagnose her with anything but IF (this messed up her insurance coverage). Telling her that my treatment came with a real diagnosis that is then covered by the insurance - she was all ears! She relunctantly asked for info (she wasn't thrilled it was Catholic)...I gave it to her...she learned Creighton and is driving down to Omaha today to meet with Dr. H. I thought, "my plan may be working".....until dinner yesterday.
It turns out her husband has some "isssues", and she may have some endo. Clearing them both up, I predict they will be pregnant in three months. But she said to me yesterday, "if this doesn't work, I'm going straight to IVF. I figure I'll be out one year and $10,000." Ok, I lose...or did I? Obviously, her heart is not open to receive. Maybe my prayers for her conversion were not enough, maybe I should be praying for something else...like for her hardened heart, or to be more sensitive (to my feelings for once), or for her clarity. Or maybe God is answering my prayer with a "maybe later". He calls all His children to Him...including her. Maybe her heart is so hardened that she needs more...so I'm asking for YOU to pray for her conversion too. It may not happen for a while, but it may happen tomorrow when she steps into the PPVI Institue and sees the bust and all the pictures, plaques, and crucifixes. Maybe when the priest goes in to annoint her before her surgery (not knowing she's not catholic) but then prays with her that she will be moved by the Holy Spirit. Maybe after she gets pregnant (after following the practices of the Catholic Church :))! Anyway, they leave today for Omaha. Please pray for her...please.
O Most Holy Trinity, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I adore Thee profoundly. I offer to Thee the most precious Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ, truly present in all the tabernacles of the world, in reparation for the outrages, sacriliges and indifference for which He Himself is offended. And through the infinite merits of His most Sacred Heart, and the Immaculate Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary, I beg of Thee the conversion of poor sinners. Amen.
O My God, I believe in Thee, I adore Thee, I hope in Thee and I love Thee. And I beg pardon for all those that do not believe in Thee, do not adore Thee, do not hope in Thee, and do not love Thee. Amen.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Agony
It took place here. And today; in my heart.
"Peter, stay and pray with me. Can you stay awake?"
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