I can still hardly believe that we will have two little children running around our house real soon. Two years ago, our house was empty, full only of hope...and love. Two years later, we are preparing to bring another little baby into our family. Today, we had to sit through another baptism class (a requirement of our parish even though we just went through this class 16 months ago - oh well) and we discussed how God's love is Free, Total, Faithful and Fruitful, and how suffering produces much fruit. I reflected on how during my six years of infertility I begged God for a child and asked Him what he wanted from me that I wasn't doing. He only wanted me to remain faithful. He challenged me in a big way, but he also set me up with support. He gave me a job in the church, with a priest that was Pro Life in a way different that I've ever experienced (all amazing). He lead me to the Blessed Sacrament in Adoration (many times alone so I can weep without feeling self-conscious) and He opened the ears and heart of my husband who is a completely different man than the man I married years ago (he's better, and I thought he was pretty good back then!). I reflected on our suffering and how necessary it was for us. How it has bore fruit, not just for us but for others that carry this same cross.
"...that carry this same cross..."
I still speak of carrying the IF cross in present tense. I am 34 weeks pregnant with my third child (one in heaven) and I continue to identify with infertility more than I connect with the mommy crew. I still cry when I discuss our experiences with infertility (like today during the class). I absolutely cannot believe that we got pregnant as quickly as we did - never would I have thought that would happen 8 months after JB was born, much-less at all! I feel that I isolate myself from others with young children and I've blamed that on the winter weather these past several months, but the truth is that I avoid other mommies because I don't feel like I fit in. I am not like them, I feel different. I am about to have a second child running around this house...when am I going to feel worthy of being a "normal" mom when I still don't feel "normal"?
I know many of us past IFers have expressed the same feelings about identifying with IF after baby. Apparently, this is normal...whew! My question is: Will I still feel like I'm in the IF trenches after baby #2 is here? How many babies does one have to have before an IFer no longer feels like they are an IFer? Clearly, we've gotten the prize, we've harvested the fruit, we are grateful, we want more, but when does one graduate from the awkward phase of "disbelief I am not infertile anymore even though I'm holding the proof that infertile I am not" to embracing the gift of life I've longed for forever and am now one of the "real mommies." Why do I feel like I am a "fake mommy" because it took me years...YEARS...to reach my vocation? What is it that God is trying to teach me here?
On my way home, I pushed the button on my car radio to play the CD player. Apparently, I have not listened to a cd in a while because one with Christmas music played. The song that was playing was the Christmas Canon by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra...the one that always makes me cry even if I'm driving...cry for those that still carry the IF cross legitimately.
I picture those still on the IF island singing the "We are waiting" part, and those that have crossed over singing the "We have not forgotten" part. Brings me to tears every time...which makes my petty "fake mommy" concern trivial, but still very real (for me). Clearly I can identify with the cross-over, I just struggle with it sometimes, most days, like today. May the Lord answer my question and my heart be open to the answer He gives me...
