Advent, One Year Ago

I specifically remember Advent last year.

I remember the intense joy. The excitement. How grateful we were. Blessed.

We found out we were pregnant on the First Sunday of Advent last year. Our first child. A new beginning.

I remember crying at Mass. I remember crying at Children and Family Adoration. I remember crying because I was carrying our child in my womb, just as Mary carried Jesus in hers. Anticipation.

Last year, the First Sunday of Advent was Day 1 of our 13 days of knowing we were pregnant. Today, we have 34 days left until our second child is born. Advent.

Mini Panic Attack

With SIX weeks left, we have begun the "first time parents classes" offered at the hospital. Last week, we went to Newborn Care, which was taught by a young nurse that worked a 12 hour shift prior, so she quickly went through the 2.5 hour class in one hour. Needless to say, we didn't really learn much. Well, maybe DH learned something, like how to NOT schedule a hair cut at 5PM when we have to leave at 5:30PM, and that he should have filled up the car with gas before he was running late from his hair cut. Both nuisances would have eliminated needless stress on an eight month pregnant gal waiting to attend her first baby class if only a tad bit more thought went into that planning.

Then we had the car seat safety check that we went to. That was easy...not. But the question is: can I install the seat again if I need to? Yes, I can :)

Last Saturday, we had our 9A to 4P Birthing Class. Informative indeed, even if DH and I were the only ones asking questions. Maybe it is a generational thing, maybe it is because it took us so long to get pregnant and we are still in "is everything okay" mode, but we were the only parents-to-be that asked anything, which really surprised me. Isn't anyone else worried about inducing labor? epidurals? the NICU? Apparently not. It must be nice to live in a world without worry that something may go terribly wrong.

Part of that class included a tour of the Labor and Delivery floor and Mommy and Baby rooms. The Pre-natal High Risk part of the hospital I visit now is in desperate need of renovation, and they are getting to it slowly. I assumed the delivery rooms would be horrendous too, but they weren't. They were really nice, and big. This didn't stop my mini panic attack from occurring though. Yes, it is true. As we walked into the labor and delivery room, and as the nurse was telling us of all the features the room has, I turned towards DH and apparently said loudly, "OMG, we are having a baby!"

It hit me like a ton of bricks. This is the room where I am going to push out our little blessing. Our little miracle. He was a prayer for five years (plus) and now he is going to be born, in this room, in six weeks. With the long road that it took to get to where we are now, I don't think that I actually believed that this would/could be happening to us. And now that it has, and is, I began to FREAK OUT! We're talking watery eyes, hyperventilation, slow motion, no idea what the nurse said after my attack began. One couple turned around and looked and giggled at me....I don't know what they thought was funny! We're having a baby, what a joyous and incredible and scary and amazing and overwhelming gift! We are going to have to video record as much of this as possible because I am sure it will be an out of body experience for me. I'm getting emotional just thinking about it now!

Eventually I calmed down, and most of the dramatic feelings I experienced (I hope) were mainly in my head (maybe). I'm not sure how much of my anxiety showed to anyone, I think it was just something that I felt, and that DH may have recognized. He never said anything to me about it, he is probably afraid to say anything about it! I mean, I have been incredibly more irritable and moody lately. I'm sure the guy is walking on pins and needles just hoping he doesn't do something (else) wrong! Poor guy.

Six more weeks, honey. Six more weeks!

DEEP BREATHS, MHE! DEEP BREATHS!

All Souls Day, 2011 (including Belly Pics and Ultrasound)

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011: All Souls Day.

This was one very emotional day. 

It all started at morning Mass. I went to help the lady that is taking over my job with our traditional candle lighting. We have out the Book of Remembrance and Book of Innocence all month, but on All Souls Day we also had out little red candles where parishioners can light a candle for a deceased loved one and/or leave a picture of their beloved on a table near the front of the church (off to the side). When everyone else was done lighting their candles, placing their pictures, and putting their names in the books, it was my turn.

There it is, my daughter's name in the Book of Innocents. Once I wrote her name down, I stepped back and looked at it. I felt the tears coming, despite the wonderful day I had yesterday knowing Catherine Grace is in Heaven. I stepped back and choked back tears. Then the bell rang. Time to sit down...only then I went to my pew I started balling. I had to step out of the church to compose myself! Eventually, I was able to return to my pew and I was fine for the remainder of Mass, including when we received Holy Communion, which I thought I would break down, but I didn't. After Mass, a good friend, B, came up to me and gave me a hug. No words, just a hug. The waterworks started to well up so I chose to leave immediately as opposed to lingering and talking to everyone in the narthex. Good call, because the tears fell as I walked from the church to the Parish Center. No one saw me though. Good!

I guess I shouldn't really be surprised by the grief I still feel, but I am. I felt guilty for feeling such grief when clearly I have been blessed with Johnny. I have this growing belly that precedes me, and still I am taken a back by our first loss. I guess there is a part of me that thought eventually I would "get over it" (secular influence or wishful thinking) but I haven't and I can't. I shouldn't. She was real. She was my first child. She is my daughter and it is okay to feel the way I do. Do I really think that I am going to just forget because I am pregnant now? Of course not, yet I think there is a part of me that maybe thought I would feel better once I got pregnant again. But it hasn't. Not at all. I guess that is a trait of a real mother.

Eventually I went home and felt the need to take some belly shots. I think I was feeling guilty for being sad about Catherine Grace, and somehow I interpreted that as if I was not happy or accepting of Johnny (which is ridiculous of course, I couldn't be more thrilled) so I took some pictures. Here I am at 31 weeks and 4 days.

Oh yeah...there it is!

I then watched A B.aby St.ory which was actually interesting given the show had to do with a lady whose water broke at 32 weeks and she had her baby. The baby was 4 pounds, 3 ounces and looked like a real, little, baby. I know that sounds weird. Of course the baby was real! Duh! But sometimes I have a hard time realizing that there is a full sized baby inside of me. I know that he is there, I just have a hard time thinking he is big, as in life sized. I imagine a small, little tiny doll-like being in there that floats about, but no...that is not what is going on! At this point, they are big! This simply amazes me.

Later this afternoon, DH and I went to our ultrasound appointment. It turns out that our baby is measuring 4 pounds exactly and he is simply: Perfect. His heart rate was at 120bpm, his femur size was at 50% and the placenta and fluid look great. Just look at my perfect little boy:



 Sooooo CUTE! This little guy is just the cutest little thing! It looks like he has his daddy's nose and ears. He has hair (according to the tech) and I wonder if it will be curly or not. I also look forward to finding out if he has brown or blue eyes (he has 50/50 chance of either). I just have a funny feeling that he is going to be one good lookin' little kid!

I am getting more and more excited that he will soon be here. I can't wait to meet this little guy! My emotions quicky jump to super happy whenever I think of him. I can only imagine once he is actually in my arms. I wonder if he will ever really understand just how much he was wanted...and needed. Oh, if only I could show him and tell him how much I love him already!