Avoiding My Infertility

I thought I was embracing my cross of infertility, but I'm not. I've been avoiding it. Actually, I've avoiding a lot of things lately, including God.

I think it all began a few weeks ago. My prayer life started dwindling down. The rosary went from being "alive" after Jerusalem to "distant and remote". I would get easily distracted, forget the prayers (seriously!) and my heart wasn't in it. So I stopped praying it daily. I told myself that if I can't do it right every day, then do it right less often, maybe once or twice a week. And I've been doing that, but it's still not alive for me the way it used to be.

Then I became somewhat "anti-blog." The very thing that has been one of my only supports (albeit as a voyeur) has become something I didn't want to do. I used be soo excited to see what the bloggers had to say every day. I felt so connected (in an absent kind of way) but I knew that YOU all felt the same way! It didn't matter that I don't know any of you, I still consider you "friends" because you may (or may not) read my blog, but I read yours and there is a level of intimacy in that. Although there may be several people reading it, it can still be very "one on one" and incredibly personal. But now I don't want to read them. Just like that....I stopped reading and stopped blogging.

But that's not it; I also stopped talking about adoption with DH. After our "miscommunication" that seems like forever ago, I just stopped mentioning it. I can't read his mind, but based on the few recent conversations we had, I'm getting the idea that he is not ready for that. I know he wants his own child, but I really don't think my body can handle it. The other day I became upset about something and I broke out in hives. Whenever I get stressed, something happens to my body, like insanely fast heart beats and dizziness. I've never felt that before! But there is nothing wrong with me outside of stress which effects my autoimmune disorders! I had the thought the other day that at some point we have to actively stop trying to get pregnant. I later said that to my husband and he said, "that's stressful." I know honey. I don't even want to talk about it. If he doesn't want to adopt, and I don't think my body can handle a baby - heck, we haven't even conceived once - then what? I turn 36 in December. I just don't think it's going to happen for me.

Please don't confuse this with me not wanting my own child. I DO! More than anything, but if you can believe this: I don't even pray for me to get pregnant. I don't. I ask for His will to be done, but I don't ask to experience pregnancy. After I realized that we will eventually need to pick a time to actively stop trying, I began to pray for my baby and his/her parents. I do add: whether that is us or someone else, but that is the extent of it. And the reality of it is: I don't ask because I'm afraid that He won't answer me. I don't want to ask for something if there is a good chance I won't get it. What a silly sentence/thought, but it is my thought!

Now one may think: God knows our needs and wants. Do we need to ask for them? Well, Jesus said, "Until now you have not asked anything in my name. Ask and you shall receive so you joy will be complete." He says we should ask for what we want - but I can't. I CAN'T get the words out of my mouth in prayer. It literally hurts my heart. I am soo afraid, and I feel soo alone.

I have stopped praying as often as I used to, I have stopped talking to my husband about a baby/adoption, I have never asked to be pregnant or to conceive. I was talking to a friend the other day about daily Mass. I used to go several times a week, but lately it's only been once a week, twice if you include Sunday. She said she battles with that too. If we know what happens at Mass, we truly believe it, and still don't go - what is that? I really want to go, and still I chose not to. And here is the thing: There is one block separating the church and my house with the middle school in between. You can hear the bell ring for school to start from both places. The bell rings at 8:24 AM, and when I am at Mass, I know father is consuming the Blessed Sacrament at that time. So when I am at home and hear the school bell, I know where they are at the Mass. My heart aches, "why are you not at Mass?" I have come to the conclusion that I am spiritually lazy. I am embarrassed to say it, but I do believe that I am spiritually lazy - especially right now when I feel soo far away from God.

So the Presbyterian church out my way always has those witty sayings on their billboard. This week: If you feel far from God, who moved?

Then, I went to Adoration last Wednesday and Father spoke about Contemplative Prayer. He said, "if your prayer life goes dry and you don't know why, it may be because God is calling you to the next level in prayer, contemplative prayer." He said, "if you felt like you had a good relationship and now you don't hear Him talk to you like before and He is no longer answering your prayers, He may want you to take the next step in prayer." Of course, I started crying (again, as I often cry during adoration). It's not that I think He is calling me to this type of prayer (I don't know anything about it and what I thought I knew seemed kind of New Age to me). I think I cried (that time) because He was answering me, right then, through the priest.

Then I realized that this "drought" just might be Spiritual Warfare, not spiritual laziness. Here is the truth: I started to run dry in September. At that point, I just came back from Jerusalem, and then began discussing another pilgrimage to Fatima/Lourdes/WYD in Spain. I thought I was distracting myself with travel (remember?), but a couple of weeks ago I sent in my deposit because I really do want to go - so I am.

We are sponsors for RCIA this year and last week my gal wasn't there. I sat by myself and took notes because Father was teaching the class and he never goes off the lesson plan and I didn't want my gal to miss what he was saying. He was discussing how the Blessed Trinity is like a family. And (I think) because DH and I are in the class, and are childless of course, Father said, "if you don't have children or can't have them, you are called to birth spiritual children." He went on and on about it (he is soo sensitive to my feelings :)) and I began to think that is why I am attending World Youth Day. These kids are going solo, for the first time ever will they be away from their parents. I will be like the spiritual mom out there. Isn't that sweet! I'm not sure if this is what he meant, but that is what I thought as he was saying it. And OF COURSE the devil would want to destroy that! Just when I think I am soo far away from God, I just might be closer.

And as I reflected on just that: being closer, not farther. Spiritual Warfare, not spiritual laziness, I thought of that poem, "Footprints In The Sand." It's not my favorite because of the mainstream acceptance of it, but I thought of that poem and realized that He has been carrying me this whole time. Deo Gratias! Again!