To Our Daughter, Catherine Grace

Our Family with you in our heart.

Dear Catherine Grace,

Six years ago on December 11, 2010, the vigil of the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, we lost you. We never found out why, we believe you were about 8 weeks old...maybe. Sometimes things just happen. But you were loved, and wanted, and are sorely missed. I still lament your birthday and I know I always will. A mother never forgets.

As you know, you cleared the path for JB and Mary Margaret. They are incredible and perfect. Smart and sassy. Needy, and yet independent. Amazing and true blessings. After all we went though, which includes the pain of losing you, never really knowing what God's plan was for us, not really knowing what to do next, feeling lost yet guided, God granted us parents, spiritually and physically. Parents in the visible sense and the invisible.

I once received a picture of three little children in a boat watched over by a Guardian Angel. In reality, there should be three guardian angels since we all have one, but I loved this picture none-the-less. The oldest child was a girl, the middle child was a boy and the youngest was a girl. The two girls were together and the boy was at the bow of the boat doing his own thing. That is just like our life today. JB is the little boy doing his own thing and Mary is the baby girl, fully engaged with the spiritual. She is such an old soul in a three year old little body. She is advanced well beyond her years. Everyone she meets says she is the most mature little girl they've ever seen. She has conversations with her friends just like I would have with my friends sipping on a cup of coffee. Sometimes this gets her in trouble, or I should say I find myself in trouble! We have incredibly high expectations of Mary Margaret, which has most likely made her into this very mature young girl, and I often forget that is only three years old. Although she can reason to some extent, she reasons as a three year old, full of emotion and irrational thinking sometimes. When she is in control of herself, she can process information and draw conclusions that I think qualify her in the "genius" range. I don't know if she is genius, but when a 2 year old asks what a "mystery" is and then can associate that definition with losing a toy from months ago - I think "genius"!

JB turns 5 years old on December 30th. He came one year and 17 days after you. We found out we were pregnant with him on Good Friday, 2011. That year, 2011, began with your burial on the the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God, and ended with the birth of JB. JB has been diagnosed with Autism which is a neurological and developmental disorder. Don't let those terms fool you! JB is perfect in every single way. He is sensitive, observant, quiet, likes attention/focus, loves to cuddle, a spacial genius (the way he maneuvers a bike or plays video games is amazing), and a hard worker. JB likes to play with his sister, play dress up (he was just a dragon a few minutes ago - with a tail), he likes to go places like the park and swing, loves to ride different rides at the zoo or carnival, he loves to dance (especially if it is a disco dance party), and help cook. He does not like to eat, although he recently learned he likes chocolate. Who doesn't, right? JB has come a long way in just a year. He went from not talking all that much to lots of words and full sentences and conversations! He follows instructions very nice and is just a joy to be with. Between JB and Mary Margaret - we hit the jackpot.

I must admit that it took me a long time to move out of an "infertility/miscarriage" mentality. I always say that cross is heavy and although God may remove it, it leaves scars. I think my scars took a long time to heal, probably too long. For the longest time, even after Mary was born, I still felt broken and different. I don't feel like that anymore. I feel "normal" again. I feel like a mom. A mom of three, one in heaven. A mother never "gets over" losing a baby, her child. She never "moves on" but she does move...eventually. JB and M&M helped to heal my broken and tired heart, but there is still a scar, and a hole where you were and that hole will always be.

Today, after church, I sat with a couple who have a 4 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. Their daughter is also on the spectrum. Our four kids were playing soo nice; running around and playing hide-and-seek. They mentioned how their daughter was a twin (clearly she miscarried one). I was wearing my necklace, your necklace. The necklace with your birthdate and scripture passage. A few years ago I would have jumped in and said, "I miscarried too. Today actually, six years ago" but I didn't. I could see in the moms' eyes that she grieved that baby and without hijacking their moment, I connected. That happens a lot - where I meet another mother that suffered the same loss and are expected to ignore or stifle any sadness as if that baby didn't "really" exist - only it did. You did happen, you made us soo happy, you were the greatest joy and because you existed we had hope which blossomed into JB and Mary Margaret. You were there, and you remain in our hearts forever. And when at Mass, when we sing with all the Angles and Saints in Heaven, I always think of you and sing my heart out with my personal little saint.

I am officially closing this blog with this post. We are going to turn it into a book, a book which holds the most important chapters of our lives. I thank God I had written it all down! To go back and see what we have gone through, from the post about Jessica Simpson to Lexi's letter to MB as she destroyed the new baby bedroom. From praying at the abortion mill (which has since closed down, Praise God) to the March for Life, 2011 - just days after my miscarriage. I made some friends which still have never met, and some that feel closer to me than family. What an amazing stint it was!

Pray for us, our little saint, for we love you very much. Until we meet again...

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

We All Have Stuff. I Thank God For Mine.

It has been nine months since I last posted on my blog? Lol!


I decided to post today in honor of my babies, in particular my little, adorable, very handsome little boy. But before I tell you why, let me tell you this short story;


I was at the grocery store a few months ago and there was a mom and her maybe 6 year old son. He kept telling her, "I love you" over and over again. She kept responding with either, "Ok" or "Enough already." Eventually I said to her, "Your son is soo cute. I love that he keeps telling you he loves you!" She responded, "I guess, but he says it every other minute and that is annoying." I just smiled and said, "I think it is adorable." End of story.


My son has Child.hood Apraxia of Speech. He also has what is called Sen.sory Processing Dis.order. Whoa! What? That is what I said when I first learned about these. Let me explain.


When JB turned one, he was babbling, but he didn't say any real words. No mama, no dada, no No! Nothing we could understand, but who was worried? When he turned 18 months and still didn't say any of the above, I started to become a little worried. But not only because I didn't hear "mommy" but because he wasn't really responding to his name, he had horrible eye contact, and didn't really care to interact with others. It wasn't until one day when we saw grandpa in the parking lot at a store and JB didn't bother to even look up at him or acknowledge his presence, it was then that I mentioned my concerns with my husband. It turned out he was concerned because JB wasn't really responding to him (my husband) either. And thus, I mentioned it to his doctor at his 18 month appointment. The doctor suggested getting him evaluated (along with a hearing test) through the state's Early In.tervention Program. And so we did.


As we expected, JB required services/therapy for speech delay and other delays. We were worried about autism, and autism was discussed several times, but it was always in the context of, "although he displays some autistic behaviors and most likely falls under the spectrum, I/we think it is something else, most likely sensory...". I never heard of Sensory Processing Disorder, and thus I researched it...and read several books...and spoke to several people about it...and now I live and breath sensory.  But then his speech therapist said, "I feel confident he has Apraxia" and several other people agreed. I never heard of Apraxia, and thus I researched it...and read several books...and spoke to several people about it...and now I live and breath sensory and apraxia. Today is Apraxia Awareness Day.


Childhood Apraxia of Speech is a neurological disorder in which the brain has difficulty getting the mouth to say what it wants to say. It is not a muscular issue. His muscles in his mouth work fine, he just can't get his brain and mouth to cooperate. My son knows words and meanings to words, he knows his colors/letters/numbers and he can identify all kinds of words in books, he just can't say any of the words. But he does have some words that he says: Up, Off, Go, Three, No, All Done and he has several signs: More, Please, All Done, Help. We have a picture board with food items on it so he can tell me what he wants to eat or if he is thirsty. He pulls me around the house and will point to things or hand me things he wants. Every once in a blue moon he will say a word or a sentence (most recently he said clear as day, "I don't want to do that!") but then we will never hear the word/s again. He and I communicate just fine, but it is by no means "normal" for a 28 month old, and so we go to therapy every day of the week except Thursday. Speech therapy twice a week, Occupational Therapy, Music Therapy and Developmental Play Group and Therapy. We are busy.


Why soo much therapy? His Apraxia and Sensory issues cause many other problems: motor planning problems, sequencing problems, eating problems. JB won't eat much, and when I say that I really mean that he will only eat 4-5 things consistently. Yogurt, ramen noodles, oatmeal, toast, fruit. Sometimes I can get him to eat something new, like 1 in 1000 tries, but I keep trying!


Being a mom is hard work. If you know me in real life, I'm sure you heard me say, "How have people done this since the beginning of time? This is hard!" but such a blessing. Every little thing my little guy does new is such an accomplishment.We finally got him to swing at the park and guess what? He liked it! That took a lot of OT, people! And although he can't say "I love you," he does give me three kisses when I ask him, "Does JB love mommy?" He put together a nine piece puzzle this morning and I was soo proud! And then later he was found in the bathroom brushing his teeth without being prompted. That is my boy!!!


One day, probably not until he is four, he will say "Mommy"...that sweet word I've been waiting to hear my entire life. Maybe he and M&M will say it at the same time! Wouldn't that be awesome! When I do hear it, for sure my heart will swell up and come out of my eyes in the form of love tears, and I highly doubt that it will ever be annoying. I thank God for my blessings, each of them and all of them. May I rise to His expectations!

On Acceptance: I'm Different

There was a baby boom at our parish. All of these babies (missing one) attend the 9am Mass. Mary Margaret is in the light purple dress at 7 o'clock. I think this picture is oozing cuteness, and I can hardly believe that I am a part of it. A part of it in that MY baby, my second baby, is a part of it. Talk about one proud momma!

I emailed this picture to the nurse that trained me in Cre.ighton. I commented on how adorable the picture is and pointed out M&M (like I did in the above paragraph). Then my final line about the picture surprised even me. I said, "Imagine how upset I'd be if my cross had not changed."

The past few months have been different for me. Different in that I was struggling with feeling like I couldn't leave IF behind, that I was still carrying that cross even though I had JB and was pregnant. It was very weird, I even blogged about it. I think that a huge part of that was more about fitting in as mother with the mommy group in town. There are a lot of families in our parish and they get together often, at least in my head they get together all the time, and I just didn't feel completely comfortable or as if I was a part of the "mommy group." Not that they did anything to me, they are wonderful people, but more that I just didn't feel like I fit in. I am sure there are many facets to why that is: I am older, they are an established group of friends, most of their kids are older than mine, and...I am different. I thought that once I had babies I would just blend right in with everyone else, at least that is what I hoped for, but I was my biggest obstacle. I was trying to be something, or someone, I'm not: normal. I'm not normal. My story was different. I accept that. I think I was struggling to accept that because I just wanted to be "normal" for once. But once I realized that being different, being me, how we had our babies, looking at the entire journey, who I am today is amazing - a miracle. All babies are miracles, and all babies glorify God, but my babies are different. We just are. And that is okay.

So, when I look at the circle of babies in the picture above, of course I reflect on how that picture would have made me feel if I was still infertile. That is what makes me different. When I see all those babies laying there (and no one crying) I think of all the women out there that are not a part of this picture that desperately want to be. That is what makes me different. When I point out my sweet little M&M at the bottom, sleeping like an angel, I want to say to those women that watched us oooh and ahhh over our babies, watching us happy mommas while they are in pain, "I'm sorry and I am still praying for you." And that little one, little M&M...she is different. Miracles do happen. Remain faithful.

My Son (at 18 months)

Dear John Benjamin,

 

You are 18 months old. That is one year, six months, one week and five days to be exact. Every single one of those days has been a bigger blessing than the day before. I am the luckiest mom in the world because I have you, and you call me mom. Actually, you don't call me anything yet, but you know I am your mommy (haha). You have brought me such incredible joy, love, and healing. Before you, I was suffering from a broken heart, but then you came into the world and I watched my heart grow into the handsome, funny, and loving little boy that you are today. 

 

As of today, you are growing at an incredible rate. One month ago you had 8 teeth. Eight. Four on top and four on the bottom. Right now, you have all but four. They all decided to come in at the same time, which you would think would be painful, but not for you. You have been a champ! And you have not really been biting, which is great! Your daddy does not trust in your molars because he still wants you to have everything puree'd still, but you can handle a lot more food than he gives you credit! Despite that, you are a picky eater.

 

 

One day, I put blueberries next to bananas on your plate and you refused to eat them. You held one of the blueberries for an hour, you never ate it, but you were soo gentle holding that little berry! You also refused bananas for a while. Mommy got the last laugh though because I ended up feeding you puree'd bananas and blueberries that night. You gobbled it up! That made mommy laugh - hee hee.

 

 

Although you are gentle with blue berries, you are not always gentle with other things, like your sister or your dog. Mary Margaret is five weeks old now and she demands a lot of attention.

 

I forgot how much attention a newborn needs because it seems to me that you've been with us forever! It has only been one and a half years, but I barely remember life without you, so when M&M came I found that I had to look up milestones because I could not remember what you did or when you did it. Like when you first smiled. I remember when it happened. I can still see it in my minds eye. I was soo excited that I tried to take a picture of it, but that didn't work. But your little grin is forever engraved in my memory (and for the record, you were six weeks old). I can't wait for the day when you and your sister become best friends. Right now, you tolerate her...and mainly because you can't do anything else but tolerate her.

 

 

When she first came home, you weren't really interested. A few weeks later you realized she wasn't leaving, and now you kind of roll your eyes when she starts crying. You'll look at her and cover your ears, and if I am holding her you will try to climb into my lap or arms.

 

When you first started doing this, it tore my heart apart. I felt very guilty for not being able to focus only on you like we did for 17 months before M&M. Daddy and grandma are quick to come and watch you and spend time with you, and there is a huge part of me that is very jealous of that time they get. I want to spend time with you, just me and you. That is hard for me to do with M&M being soo little still, but I have a plan. Grandma is going to watch M&M on Thursdays and you and I will get to spend time together. I am very excited and have a list of fun things I hope we get to do together. Yay!

 

You are also not too gentle with your dog, Lexi, either. Lexi has taken a back seat around here and has definitely become jealous. At first, remember, she didn't really like you much. She likes you better now, especially since she eats any food or snack that you drop on the floor. I have to tell her all the time to leave you alone. Sometimes, you feed her yourself. Once you left your treats on the couch and Lexi was very excited when daddy came home. She began barking to let us know he was here, and she rewarded herself with your treats! She jumped onto the couch and chomp! It was very funny! A lot of times, we give you chicken for dinner and she will sit under your chair just waiting for you to drop or throw a piece of chicken on the floor. Actually, she waits for you to drop anything on the floor! And even though she has warmed up to you, you are not really interested in Lexi. You will move her out of your way, deliberately walk into her, and show no interest in playing with her at all. Now, your cat, Chloe...that is a different story! You love Chloe, only, she doesn't like you. You chase her around and want to touch her all the time. Once in a blue moon she will allow you to touch her, and you are very gentle with her when that happens. You love Chloe! I don't know what the difference is between Chloe and  Lexi, but you definitely favor one and could live without the other! One day, you will all get along :)

 

You don't talk much yet, but you understand a lot of words. You babble all day long and I'm sure you are saying something, I just can't tell what it is. The only real word I understand is "ball" which you actually pronounce "bull" thanks to your daddy who kept saying it with a weird accent for some reason. We got into several arguments over that! He is not allowed to teach you any other words unless he pronounces them correctly! "Bull"...

 

But you do respond to what I say. You will give me a kiss if I ask, and sometimes you just grab my face and kiss me. That is the best! Yesterday, you came home from grandma's house and gave me a big and long hug - you were adorable! I said, "Did you miss mommy?" and you kissed me and hugged me. Aww.... You like to do little flips off of my body and you love getting horsey back rides from me. Daddy won't do them because he thinks you are going to fall, but I can tell you are holding on and balancing great so I am not afraid. You love it! When I put you down from a ride, I sit on the couch and lean back like I am sitting on you. You love that too...very funny! You giggle and laugh and scrunch up your nose. You are the cutest little boy I've ever seen!

 

 

You play very nicely with your toys, and you should since you have two toy rooms! You probably have every toy imaginable. Your favorite: plastic Easter eggs. Yep, you love them and we never leave home without one! I think you like the "puzzle" part of it, putting it together and taking it apart. You also love blocks. You have two different kinds: one with different colored animal paws and numbers on them and one set with classic ABC's. You take the animal paws separately and line them up or stack them up, always with the paws facing up. Very peculiar! You also like your wooden toy train and books. You love books.

 

Right now, you sleep with your "saint" book. When I go to put a blanket on you at night, the book is always open to St. Joseph. Every night, St. Joseph. I love that! You also sleep with an Easter egg.

 

Adorable! Yesterday, I brought out a floor toy for Mary Margaret, your old piano toy. You don't remember it, of course, but I had to pick her up because you were very upset that she was on it and not you. You then stood on it for ten minutes before trying to tear it down. I had to put it away before you broke it and you had a tantrum. You've been having more of them lately, after all you are one and a half! You don't have many trantrums yet though. Usually you have one when I take your sippy cup away when you begin dribbling the juice onto your shirt. You like to do that, I do not like it when you do that. Oh, and you have tantrums at church. The past two Sundays have been one hour of non-stop JB crying! Brutal, really. I don't mind that much because you are only one, but I think you wear daddy out! Both days, when we drove home, you looked exhausted in your car seat. No wonder since you had a full blown melt down! Last weekend, I think you wanted to play and we wouldn't let you so you fought us. The week before daddy was holding M&M and I was holding you. When she began to fuss, we switched babies and you freaked out. Daddy had to take you out of the church! Let's hope those outbursts stop real soon! I can't wait for you to learn about the Mass and eventually become an Altar Server. Or even recognize that it is your patron saint, St. John the Baptist, that said, "Behold. Behold the Lamb of God Who takes away the sins of the world...". I feel that when you realize that St. John the Baptist said that about Jesus, and there Jesus is in front of us, then you will think that is real cool. I think it is!

 

Well, in a few months you will be talking and doing soo much more. I look forward to those days, but I also want to keep you right where you are now. My heart bursts with love for you and I can't imagine loving you any more than I already do, but I know that love multiplies, so I look forward to our future! If you catch me crying when I look at you (like I sometimes do), I want you to know that those are tears of joy and happiness. God has blessed your daddy and I with the greatest gifts of our children. We pray that we become the parents He wants us to be. What an incredible job he gave us! Being your parent is the most wonderful experience ever and I thank God every day for you, my little boy who is my pride and joy. Mommy loves you!

 



Princess M&M

She came May 31st,

at 8:25am,

weighing 7 pounds and 12 ounces,

at 19 inches long.

 

We named her Mary Margaret

and call her our little M&M.

 

We are the luckiest people we know...

Infertility-Pregnancy Limbo

I will be 34 weeks pregnant this week Tuesday. We have scheduled our c-section for May 31st, the Feast of the Visitation of Mary and Elizabeth. The baptism is scheduled for June 8th, the Feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary. I tell everyone this information because I think it is soo cool. You know you are Catholic when you refer to your child's birthdays by their Catholic Feast Days! Haha!

I can still hardly believe that we will have two little children running around our house real soon. Two years ago, our house was empty, full only of hope...and love. Two years later, we are preparing to bring another little baby into our family. Today, we had to sit through another baptism class (a requirement of our parish even though we just went through this class 16 months ago - oh well) and we discussed how God's love is Free, Total, Faithful and Fruitful, and how suffering produces much fruit. I reflected on how during my six years of infertility I begged God for a child and asked Him what he wanted from me that I wasn't doing. He only wanted me to remain faithful. He challenged me in a big way, but he also set me up with support. He gave me a job in the church, with a priest that was Pro Life in a way different that I've ever experienced (all amazing). He lead me to the Blessed Sacrament in Adoration (many times alone so I can weep without feeling self-conscious) and He opened the ears and heart of my husband who is a completely different man than the man I married years ago (he's better, and I thought he was pretty good back then!). I reflected on our suffering and how necessary it was for us. How it has bore fruit, not just for us but for others that carry this same cross.

"...that carry this same cross..."

I still speak of carrying the IF cross in present tense. I am 34 weeks pregnant with my third child (one in heaven) and I continue to identify with infertility more than I connect with the mommy crew. I still cry when I discuss our experiences with infertility (like today during the class). I absolutely cannot believe that we got pregnant as quickly as we did - never would I have thought that would happen 8 months after JB was born, much-less at all! I feel that I isolate myself from others with young children and I've blamed that on the winter weather these past several months, but the truth is that I avoid other mommies because I don't feel like I fit in. I am not like them, I feel different. I am about to have a second child running around this house...when am I going to feel worthy of being a "normal" mom when I still don't feel "normal"?

I know many of us past IFers have expressed the same feelings about identifying with IF after baby. Apparently, this is normal...whew! My question is: Will I still feel like I'm in the IF trenches after baby #2 is here? How many babies does one have to have before an IFer no longer feels like they are an IFer? Clearly, we've gotten the prize, we've harvested the fruit, we are grateful, we want more, but when does one graduate from the awkward phase of "disbelief I am not infertile anymore even though I'm holding the proof that infertile I am not" to embracing the gift of life I've longed for forever and am now one of the "real mommies." Why do I feel like I am a "fake mommy" because it took me years...YEARS...to reach my vocation? What is it that God is trying to teach me here?

On my way home, I pushed the button on my car radio to play the CD player. Apparently, I have not listened to a cd in a while because one with Christmas music played. The song that was playing was the Christmas Canon by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra...the one that always makes me cry even if I'm driving...cry for those that still carry the IF cross legitimately.

http://youtu.be/M_eoUx9e6TI

 

I picture those still on the IF island singing the "We are waiting" part, and those that have crossed over singing the "We have not forgotten" part. Brings me to tears every time...which makes my petty "fake mommy" concern trivial, but still very real (for me). Clearly I can identify with the cross-over, I just struggle with it sometimes, most days, like today. May the Lord answer my question and my heart be open to the answer He gives me...

Happy Birthday, JB!

Happy Birthday Dear John Benjamin, happy birthday to you!

What do you get when you take 50 people, put them all in a room with a giant Elmo and two pinatas and feed them Elmo noses (tangerines), Dorothy crackers (goldfish) and Pizza (Elmo's favorite food)? You get an awesome first birthday party!

It was soo awesome that JB slept like a rock when the party was over, and then today he took another four hour nap! Someone had a good time :) It looks like our house exploded with toys, but goodness, Elmo, we had fun!

La, la, la, la...La, la, la, la...it's JB's World!
La, la, la, la...La, la, la, la...my baby's one!
It all went soo fast,
He's a big b-o-y (*sniff*).
Now...that JB's one!

It's Been Two Years

So, I'm fixing myself some cereal and watching/listening to Kelly and Michael Live on TV at the same time. As I go to write down my breakfast into my food diary for my nutritionist, I can hear Kelly and Michael say that today is the "most fertile day of the year." At that exact moment, I was writing down todays date and I realize that today is the 2 year anniversary of our miscarriage. The most fertile day of the year is the same day when I lost my first child. Go figure.

I feel like I write about my miscarriage with Catherine Grace on this blog more than I do about my incredibly wonderful son, JB...who is showing to be very independent, walking, and turning one years old in 2 1/2 weeks. When did that happen?! But don't fear, that is not because I am "stuck," it is because I have a separate blog dedicated to JB the Great (if you'd like to read that, send me an email and I'll invite you). My struggle with infertility is still something that I can't seem to release, even as I hold my precious child and carry another one in my womb. I still identify greatly with IF, and I wish I didn't. It would be great if didn't. But I feel as if the loss of my first child is soo linked with my IF, how could I heal from the scars of that cross? I guess that is the nature of scars...they're permanent.

 

 I do have a little hole in my heart for my missing child. On occasion, I get overwhelmed by the memories and realization of what happened, like the time I saw this picture at the store. Of two little boys in a boat and a slightly older girl with a guardian angel looking over them. What I saw was an angel watching over Catherine Grace with JB and what I believe is my unborn baby boy (although everyone else in the world thinks I'm having a girl!). My three children.  As I tried to describe the picture to my husband, I cried. I'll tell you one thing, if I have a little boy, this picture will be in our house!

And then there is this past Sunday when DH and I met with a couple that is struggling to have children and have endured two recent miscarriages. We started the conversation with our story, which began, "On Tuesday, it will be two years since our miscarriage." Pass the kleenex, please. Please pray for our new friends - Maria and German. Please. The pain this couple has endured was almost too much to bear, and they haven't told many people of their losses. They are suffering alone...until now.

A healing heart is what I have, not a forgetting one. Every day is not a struggle like it was two years ago. Every day is filled with the joys of picking up toys, trying to get the baby to eat something (and to say dada or mama, but not with his mouth full) and washing bottles. It is filled with the sounds of giggles and Elmo and reading the same book over and over. It is wonderful, but sometimes this mommy weeps, like right now, in thanksgiving for my wonderful life which includes the sad story of our little saint, whom we lost two years ago today.

The Best Kind Of Announcement

I still have a hard time believing this little miracle is happening to us.

We are 11 weeks tomorrow.

We had an ultrasound yesterday and the baby's heartbeat was 169 bpm. Praise God!

So far, this pregnancy is exactly the same as my pregnancy with JB. I am not sick, my breasts aren't sore, I have no symptoms...except going to the bathroom constantly.

This pregnancy hasn't been without any drama though. Since we practice Creighton, I knew when I ovulated (this was my first cycle since JB was born - 8 months). Since I still have my PCOD and long cycles, I ovulated late, so when I called in to the doctor to tell them I was pregnant, they dated me off of CD1 even though I told them I ovulated weeks afterwards. They still had me come in for an early ultrasound, which is great, only I was only 5 weeks along and knew there was a chance we wouldn't have a heartbeat yet. Still, we went in and we did have a heartbeat: 85 bpm...which I knew was low if we were at 7 weeks and normal at 5 1/2, but the mind reels. We went back in a week later, I was soo scared! But we had a heartbeat of 133 - Thank You Jesus! It kind of upset me that they told me the number because then I over-analyzed it and obsessed over it all week. I would have much rather they didn't tell me and then just had me come back in. It would have saved all that worry! Anyway, the baby is fine, growing...our baby.

Yesterday, I am sure I was dubbed "the difficult patient"  while at the doctors office. When we finally left, I felt I just finished a battle - because I was in a fight, just not physical. First of all, DH and I took JB with us. At 10 months, he did a very good job for being there for two hours! Poor baby! But the worst part of it was that they wanted me to have a pap smear and do an STD test. The conversation was something like this:

Me:  Umm...I'm not doing that.

Nurse: Why not?

Me: Because I was told that if you haven't had a positive HPV test or abnormal pap that you only need a pap every three years. Plus, I am afraid of having another miscarriage and I don't feel we need to introduce anything into this environment unnecessarily. With my first pregnancy, I had a pap before I knew I was pregnant and I miscarried and I always wondered if the pap played a part in that. In addition, I don't have gonorrhea or syphilis, I didn't have it a year ago and I don't have it now.

Nurse: The std test is a federal mandate.

Me: I am married and don't have an std. This is ridiculous.

Nurse: Ok...excuse me.

My husband didn't know I was going to do that, but he was in full support of my decision. He pulled out his phone and started googling all that was said. Yes, it is a federal law. Some doctors say you don't need a pap for three years....yada, yada, yada....

How is it that if I wanted to kill my baby, I wouldn't be forced to have an ultrasound or talk to anyone, but if I want to protect my baby and keep him/her safe, the federal government can force me to take a flippin' std test!

When the nurse came back in, I said that if I had to take the test I will, but I am not happy about it...and I better not miscarry. She said, "Since we are referring you to Maternal Fetal Medicine at the hospital (because of my diabetes), we'll defer it and they can figure it out." Whatever. She still wanted to go over their little book with me...the one where it explains the quad test which we are not going to do. Good grief! Get me out of here!!!

Nope...I had to do a physical...of which she found a heart murmur. Grade 2. Not a big deal. They had me give blood (for my HIV test) and then I was able to leave. I wouldn't be surprised if they don't take me back as a patient next year.

But the more I thought about the entire situation, the more upset I became. Maybe I was being difficult to deal with, probably most people don't refuse services, but I really felt that my rights to protect my child were being violated. I don't like that the law is forcing me to do things that I am not at risk for. Where are my rights? Who is looking out for my baby besides DH and I? And this office is the "christian" office. Grrr!!! I wonder what MFM is going to do? Am I going to get out of this or forced by law to take these tests? GRRRR!!!!!!

So after we got into the car and processed what happened, DH reminded me that the visit was actually a good one. One where we saw our little baby with a strong heartbeat. Kicking their legs. Jumping around. Awww...we are pregnant again. JB will have a sibling. We are soo blessed!

Regarding everything else, I'll keep you updated ;)  I can only imagine what the government is going to force me to do! St. Michael, protect us!

Because There Were Two

Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you.  ~ Isaiah 49:15

When I saw this at the auction for Bringing Andrew Home, I just knew I had to have it.

I already have a necklace for Catherine Grace that I wear all the time, but I really wanted one where I have both of my children's names on it. Not so much so I am reminded that she existed and our pregnancy with her was real...I know this to be true and I think of her every single day. This mommy is not forgetting! I wanted to get it so others would see it and be reminded: We were pregnant twice. JB is not our only child.

It has been a while since my DH and I have talked about Catherine Grace. We mention her by name every once in a while, but it is not a topic of conversation every day. When we talk about her, it is very matter-of-fact, always followed by a *pause* as if we are taking a subconscious moment of silence for our little, lost baby. I get a little lump in my throat too, and I don't look at my husband. If I did, I'd probably get emotional. Although time, and John Benjamin, have healed my broken heart more than I could have asked for, a part of me is missing and will always be missing until we are united again.

The past several months, I have known of several people that have miscarried IRL and I have read about the painful losses going on in blogworld right now. The feelings of my own nightmare resurfaced quickly as I read about their pain and anguish. The unending stream of questions are familiar. I remember asking all the same questions. Remembering my husband, how helpless he was. All he wanted to do was answer one of my questions, just one, and yet he couldn't.  And all at the same time, realizing that our baby, his baby, was dead. I remember struggling for days, weeks, months. Struggling. Hiding my emotions as best I could from him, and wondering if he was doing the same. Releasing my tears in the shower where no one else can see me so that everyone thinks I'm okay (one year and nine months later, I still do this sometimes). And still, while being sad and sorrowful over it all, knowing that we wouldn't have JB if it didn't happen and thanking Him for him. I wonder why God planned it like that for us? To lose one but have another come during the time I should have been pregnant with the first? Clearly, Catherine Grace was the baby I was supposed to hold in my heart. JB was the baby intended for me to hold in my heart and in my arms. I couldn't possibly have been able to have both. Hopefully I'll get the chance to ask Him about this face to face in heaven.

But until that time comes, if I'm worthy of entering into the heavenly gates and becoming one with All that is Good and True and Beautiful, I'll pray to our little saint and thank God for all that He has given me, all that He has taken away, for all He does for us is because He loves us, whether we understand it, or not. Oh how I wish these things wouldn't happen, and didn't happen, ever, but when they've happened to me, how grateful I am that they've lead me closer to You.

Closing Prayer of the Divine Mercy Chaplet

 

Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible,

look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us,

that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent,

but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will,

which is Love and Mercy itself.