Permission To Heal, Completely

December 11th, 2010 was the thirteenth day. Day 13 of 13 of knowing that we were pregnant with our first child. I remember it like it was yesterday, yet it feels so long ago.

This year has been one crazy year. Sometimes I look back and read my old posts. Some feeling are still the same, like my grief over the loss of Catherine Grace. I am still not over it and will probably never be. The pain does get easier to cope with, but it still will bring me to tears, even now. I still feel guilt in that I think about our loss daily and yet have been abundantly blessed with a second child. This child that will be here any day now. I don't know why "guilt" is the feeling I have. I shouldn't feel guilty that I grieve over our loss still...that is normal. I think it is more that I still feel pain amidst such wonder and happiness with the anticipation of my son. As if those two feelings shouldn't co-mingle, but they do. Maybe subconsciously I think that my sorrow for my first pregnancy is taking away from the joy of my second, but it's not. Maybe my fear is that I will forget about my trials with Catherine Grace when John Benjamin comes, even though I just said a second ago that I will probably never be over it. Feelings can be soo confusing when you try to make them make sense. I need to get better at just allowing them to "be" and not analyze them soo much.

I went to Adoration last night and had 30 minutes to myself with our Eucharistic Lord. I LOVE IT when that happens. I know some people don't like to be alone in the church, but I do. Of course it would be way better if the church was full of people in adoration of our Creator, but when it is just me and Him, secretly, I love it. Call me selfish if you want to, but it is the truth! After offering my Holy Hour for my prayer buddy, I asked for this time to be fruitful. Let my ears be open to hear whatever the Lord wants me to hear, and boy did He grant my request! I prayed for others the first thirty minutes I was not alone, but then during the time where it was just me and Him, things changed. How drastic was the difference between my prayers and conversations with Jesus once we were alone! Almost immediately, I felt a shift in focusing on others and a direct focus on me in which I was given "permission to release" my anguish of the anniversary of our miscarriage. With the passing of this first anniversary will soon come the birth of our son. A happy time indeed! The anticipation of feeling plagued with sadness at this time of year for now on cannot be - effective immediately. It's Christmas. It's my birthday. It will be my son's birthday. Who will have time for despair? I have to trust that his birth during this time is to help me heal. My broken heart will be mended as he comes into the world. I won't forget the events of 12/11/10, but I will heal. And I give myself permission to do that - heal, completely.   

Now, I'm not exactly sure how all of this is going to work. I'm not sure how anything is going to work real soon! The countdown is getting lower and lower and this baby will be here SOON! I still cannot believe that this is happening to me...I find myself looking at my belly in complete amazement that there is a child in there, and he is big! And soon he will be out, with a lot of work done by me, which very much freaks me out, but I know it must be done...it will be done...somehow. This has been the most interesting year for sure. One year ago today, I never imagined I'd be where I am now. I am beyond grateful, humbled, and appreciative, and I pray everyday for those that still carry the cross that I carried for so long. Amazing things happen in one year, and I pray for more miracles to happen soon! The difference from this time last year to today is hundred-fold. Imagine what it will be like from today to this time next year! We will soon find out...won't we! God is good, He has proven it to be true, we just need to remain faithful. Jesus, I trust in You!