Dear Friends And Family

I came across this piece of advice for friends and family of those suffering from infertility. Please take a moment to read through this small section of this wonderful book:

The Traps for those Wanting to Support the Woman - What Not to Say!

The holiday season is approaching, which means getting together with family and friends. For those struggling with infertility, these gathering can be difficult. Sometimes people just say the wrong things without knowing it or meaning to. Here are some helpful tips if you have someone close to you that is carrying this cross:

• In most cases, do not be the one to broach the subject. They may not want to talk about their infertility at the moment, or with certain people, and this should be respected. If they bring it up, this is different, and listening with attention and compassion will bring them relief and is a true work of mercy.

• It is easier to hurt a someone by saying something rather than saying nothing. Do not feel that you have to give advice. If the right thing does not come to mind, then listening and saying simple things such as, “I am so sorry you are going through such pain” and “we will/are pray(ing) for you”, can be very comforting.

• Avoid curiosity. Some people would love to know the reason for one’s infertility. Being asked out of curiosity will not feel supportive, and instead of empathy, one may have the impression of becoming the victim of voyeurism.

• Avoid stories along the lines of “once I had given up the hope of having children I became pregnant”. Although that may be true for you, there may be other factors that you are not aware of that may the cause for their infertility. In addition, this insinuates that the couple is not abandoned to God’s will for otherwise they could have conceived.

• Do not become like Job’s friends and try to find a reason for their suffering. In trying to find blame and reason, one can quickly begin to “blame the woman/man”, suggesting that they may “need” this cross, or that they somehow deserve it if God is sending it, or that maybe they aren’t ready to be parents yet. The temptation to suggest these things may be strong, especially if there has been a previous abortion or the use of contraception. But remember: the sufferings of the people concerned are not any less if there is any previous culpability.

• Don’t accuse the woman of envy. Yes, the pregnancies and children of others will remind a woman of her own infertility. These are the moments when an infertile woman’s sorrow is particularly prone to break out again and one does well not to ruin the joy of the woman who has just announced she is pregnant by drawing attention to one’s own suffering. However, this sorrow is not or need not be the sign of envy. If an infertile woman expresses her pain in the context of seeing the children of others, one does well not to assume that she is envious, for this may add insult to injury. Her own pain may simply surface as these moments as it often will.

• Why don’t you adopt? Yes, adoption is a good option for infertile couples, however, don’t think that this alternative will resolve the issue and take away the couple’s pain. There is a great blessing in being procreators, in bearing one’s own children and it is a suffering not to have that option. Couples do not love the adopted children less than those born to them, and yet they still suffer from not bearing children themselves. Furthermore, adoption is a vocation in and of itself. Not every infertile couple has this call.

~From the book, “Embracing the Cross of Infertility” by Marie Meaney, Ph.D. 2010 Human Life International.