No Lightening Bolts

Ok, so it begins NOW! While on the pilgrimage, several of us were amazed at how we were reacting. Some cried when they didn't expect it. Some expected to cry and didn't. Fr. Peck said that this pilgrimage has us on overload and that we shouldn't expect a lightening bolt experience, but rather the fruits will bear itself with time. Like at Christmas while singing "O Little Town of Bethlehem" or something like that. Well, I didn't have to wait very long before my fruits began to ripen.

Fr. Lange asked me make a booklet for the Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion to the Sick and Homebound using the old rite, but in english. When I saw him yesterday, he mentioned it, so today I put the booklet together. I couldn't believe how fast my heart was racing! The prayers...they are soo beautiful - I am not worthy to administer this rite. Not just I, but no one should participate in this but the priest. But no one will understand what I mean. My priest will, but that is it. In the meantime, what am I to do with my schedule now? I just don't feel worthy to be an E.M..

So given this epiphany, I am now afraid of how I am going to react on Sunday. It angered me before how irreverent people are at church, and now it will upset me even more. I am afraid that I will break into tears and embarrass my husband - I've done it before. I think the worst thing is not feeling understood and therefore appearing crazy. I'm not one of those crazy crying women in church, but maybe I am now! I actually thought I might have to make myself numb in order to cope with others indifference at Mass - how can I do that! But it was a thought. Or just go to the Tridentine Mass, but my hubby doesn't understand that...and I'd cry there even more probably! Well, if this is my biggest worry...I'd say I received more grace than I expected from that trip! He always knows what I need! Thanks be to God!