To Our Daughter, Catherine Grace

Our Family with you in our heart.

Dear Catherine Grace,

Six years ago on December 11, 2010, the vigil of the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, we lost you. We never found out why, we believe you were about 8 weeks old...maybe. Sometimes things just happen. But you were loved, and wanted, and are sorely missed. I still lament your birthday and I know I always will. A mother never forgets.

As you know, you cleared the path for JB and Mary Margaret. They are incredible and perfect. Smart and sassy. Needy, and yet independent. Amazing and true blessings. After all we went though, which includes the pain of losing you, never really knowing what God's plan was for us, not really knowing what to do next, feeling lost yet guided, God granted us parents, spiritually and physically. Parents in the visible sense and the invisible.

I once received a picture of three little children in a boat watched over by a Guardian Angel. In reality, there should be three guardian angels since we all have one, but I loved this picture none-the-less. The oldest child was a girl, the middle child was a boy and the youngest was a girl. The two girls were together and the boy was at the bow of the boat doing his own thing. That is just like our life today. JB is the little boy doing his own thing and Mary is the baby girl, fully engaged with the spiritual. She is such an old soul in a three year old little body. She is advanced well beyond her years. Everyone she meets says she is the most mature little girl they've ever seen. She has conversations with her friends just like I would have with my friends sipping on a cup of coffee. Sometimes this gets her in trouble, or I should say I find myself in trouble! We have incredibly high expectations of Mary Margaret, which has most likely made her into this very mature young girl, and I often forget that is only three years old. Although she can reason to some extent, she reasons as a three year old, full of emotion and irrational thinking sometimes. When she is in control of herself, she can process information and draw conclusions that I think qualify her in the "genius" range. I don't know if she is genius, but when a 2 year old asks what a "mystery" is and then can associate that definition with losing a toy from months ago - I think "genius"!

JB turns 5 years old on December 30th. He came one year and 17 days after you. We found out we were pregnant with him on Good Friday, 2011. That year, 2011, began with your burial on the the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God, and ended with the birth of JB. JB has been diagnosed with Autism which is a neurological and developmental disorder. Don't let those terms fool you! JB is perfect in every single way. He is sensitive, observant, quiet, likes attention/focus, loves to cuddle, a spacial genius (the way he maneuvers a bike or plays video games is amazing), and a hard worker. JB likes to play with his sister, play dress up (he was just a dragon a few minutes ago - with a tail), he likes to go places like the park and swing, loves to ride different rides at the zoo or carnival, he loves to dance (especially if it is a disco dance party), and help cook. He does not like to eat, although he recently learned he likes chocolate. Who doesn't, right? JB has come a long way in just a year. He went from not talking all that much to lots of words and full sentences and conversations! He follows instructions very nice and is just a joy to be with. Between JB and Mary Margaret - we hit the jackpot.

I must admit that it took me a long time to move out of an "infertility/miscarriage" mentality. I always say that cross is heavy and although God may remove it, it leaves scars. I think my scars took a long time to heal, probably too long. For the longest time, even after Mary was born, I still felt broken and different. I don't feel like that anymore. I feel "normal" again. I feel like a mom. A mom of three, one in heaven. A mother never "gets over" losing a baby, her child. She never "moves on" but she does move...eventually. JB and M&M helped to heal my broken and tired heart, but there is still a scar, and a hole where you were and that hole will always be.

Today, after church, I sat with a couple who have a 4 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. Their daughter is also on the spectrum. Our four kids were playing soo nice; running around and playing hide-and-seek. They mentioned how their daughter was a twin (clearly she miscarried one). I was wearing my necklace, your necklace. The necklace with your birthdate and scripture passage. A few years ago I would have jumped in and said, "I miscarried too. Today actually, six years ago" but I didn't. I could see in the moms' eyes that she grieved that baby and without hijacking their moment, I connected. That happens a lot - where I meet another mother that suffered the same loss and are expected to ignore or stifle any sadness as if that baby didn't "really" exist - only it did. You did happen, you made us soo happy, you were the greatest joy and because you existed we had hope which blossomed into JB and Mary Margaret. You were there, and you remain in our hearts forever. And when at Mass, when we sing with all the Angles and Saints in Heaven, I always think of you and sing my heart out with my personal little saint.

I am officially closing this blog with this post. We are going to turn it into a book, a book which holds the most important chapters of our lives. I thank God I had written it all down! To go back and see what we have gone through, from the post about Jessica Simpson to Lexi's letter to MB as she destroyed the new baby bedroom. From praying at the abortion mill (which has since closed down, Praise God) to the March for Life, 2011 - just days after my miscarriage. I made some friends which still have never met, and some that feel closer to me than family. What an amazing stint it was!

Pray for us, our little saint, for we love you very much. Until we meet again...

Love,

Mommy and Daddy