Because There Were Two

Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you.  ~ Isaiah 49:15

When I saw this at the auction for Bringing Andrew Home, I just knew I had to have it.

I already have a necklace for Catherine Grace that I wear all the time, but I really wanted one where I have both of my children's names on it. Not so much so I am reminded that she existed and our pregnancy with her was real...I know this to be true and I think of her every single day. This mommy is not forgetting! I wanted to get it so others would see it and be reminded: We were pregnant twice. JB is not our only child.

It has been a while since my DH and I have talked about Catherine Grace. We mention her by name every once in a while, but it is not a topic of conversation every day. When we talk about her, it is very matter-of-fact, always followed by a *pause* as if we are taking a subconscious moment of silence for our little, lost baby. I get a little lump in my throat too, and I don't look at my husband. If I did, I'd probably get emotional. Although time, and John Benjamin, have healed my broken heart more than I could have asked for, a part of me is missing and will always be missing until we are united again.

The past several months, I have known of several people that have miscarried IRL and I have read about the painful losses going on in blogworld right now. The feelings of my own nightmare resurfaced quickly as I read about their pain and anguish. The unending stream of questions are familiar. I remember asking all the same questions. Remembering my husband, how helpless he was. All he wanted to do was answer one of my questions, just one, and yet he couldn't.  And all at the same time, realizing that our baby, his baby, was dead. I remember struggling for days, weeks, months. Struggling. Hiding my emotions as best I could from him, and wondering if he was doing the same. Releasing my tears in the shower where no one else can see me so that everyone thinks I'm okay (one year and nine months later, I still do this sometimes). And still, while being sad and sorrowful over it all, knowing that we wouldn't have JB if it didn't happen and thanking Him for him. I wonder why God planned it like that for us? To lose one but have another come during the time I should have been pregnant with the first? Clearly, Catherine Grace was the baby I was supposed to hold in my heart. JB was the baby intended for me to hold in my heart and in my arms. I couldn't possibly have been able to have both. Hopefully I'll get the chance to ask Him about this face to face in heaven.

But until that time comes, if I'm worthy of entering into the heavenly gates and becoming one with All that is Good and True and Beautiful, I'll pray to our little saint and thank God for all that He has given me, all that He has taken away, for all He does for us is because He loves us, whether we understand it, or not. Oh how I wish these things wouldn't happen, and didn't happen, ever, but when they've happened to me, how grateful I am that they've lead me closer to You.

Closing Prayer of the Divine Mercy Chaplet

 

Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible,

look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us,

that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent,

but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will,

which is Love and Mercy itself.