It's Been Two Years

So, I'm fixing myself some cereal and watching/listening to Kelly and Michael Live on TV at the same time. As I go to write down my breakfast into my food diary for my nutritionist, I can hear Kelly and Michael say that today is the "most fertile day of the year." At that exact moment, I was writing down todays date and I realize that today is the 2 year anniversary of our miscarriage. The most fertile day of the year is the same day when I lost my first child. Go figure.

I feel like I write about my miscarriage with Catherine Grace on this blog more than I do about my incredibly wonderful son, JB...who is showing to be very independent, walking, and turning one years old in 2 1/2 weeks. When did that happen?! But don't fear, that is not because I am "stuck," it is because I have a separate blog dedicated to JB the Great (if you'd like to read that, send me an email and I'll invite you). My struggle with infertility is still something that I can't seem to release, even as I hold my precious child and carry another one in my womb. I still identify greatly with IF, and I wish I didn't. It would be great if didn't. But I feel as if the loss of my first child is soo linked with my IF, how could I heal from the scars of that cross? I guess that is the nature of scars...they're permanent.

 

 I do have a little hole in my heart for my missing child. On occasion, I get overwhelmed by the memories and realization of what happened, like the time I saw this picture at the store. Of two little boys in a boat and a slightly older girl with a guardian angel looking over them. What I saw was an angel watching over Catherine Grace with JB and what I believe is my unborn baby boy (although everyone else in the world thinks I'm having a girl!). My three children.  As I tried to describe the picture to my husband, I cried. I'll tell you one thing, if I have a little boy, this picture will be in our house!

And then there is this past Sunday when DH and I met with a couple that is struggling to have children and have endured two recent miscarriages. We started the conversation with our story, which began, "On Tuesday, it will be two years since our miscarriage." Pass the kleenex, please. Please pray for our new friends - Maria and German. Please. The pain this couple has endured was almost too much to bear, and they haven't told many people of their losses. They are suffering alone...until now.

A healing heart is what I have, not a forgetting one. Every day is not a struggle like it was two years ago. Every day is filled with the joys of picking up toys, trying to get the baby to eat something (and to say dada or mama, but not with his mouth full) and washing bottles. It is filled with the sounds of giggles and Elmo and reading the same book over and over. It is wonderful, but sometimes this mommy weeps, like right now, in thanksgiving for my wonderful life which includes the sad story of our little saint, whom we lost two years ago today.