She Touched My Belly

As I was helping one of our World Youth Day girls sell donated plants after Mass yesterday, I had a gal approach me, put her hand on my belly and say, "I want to feel the growth!" I was horrified! At only nine weeks, the only growth anyone is going to see or feel is the growth of all the junk I've been eating for years! OMG -is this just the beginning? Random invasion of privacy in belly touching? I probably wouldn't mind so much if I actually was showing some, or if it was known by all that we are (still) pregnant. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive of the extra flub around the waist. Oh! What if she thought I was showing already!?! Ha, ha! I guess I would get what I deserve in that case...ha! Nevertheless, my first belly touch in public with someone not too close to me left me feeling very uncomfortable. Is there a t-shirt that says, "Do not touch without permission"?

As exciting as that was, it was not the most emotionally draining event of the day. In preparation of our blessing at the cemetery for Memorial Day, I went to find Catherine Grace's grave. The truth is that I have not been there since we buried her in January. I just haven't had the courage to go there. I'm not sure what it is I'm afraid of...probably just the reality that it did happen...I don't know. But I went over to find the grave so I would not look stupid trying to find it in front of others on Memorial Day. I found it rather quickly, and I did ok...until...

One of the receptionists at the church was there visiting her husbands grave and she walked up to me and asked who I knew there. Down came the waterworks. Saying I miscarried in December makes it real, especially when we are standing in the cemetery. She was so sweet, giving me a huge, maternal hug. I have to say, I was glad she was there. I probably would have stifled my emotions otherwise. Today I went back for the blessing. I poured holy water onto her grave and left a white carnation. We have to get a headstone soon. Definitely this summer. Definitely.

I guess I feel as if I am in a sort of "pregnancy limbo." I am still grieving my first pregnancy and walking on eggshells with my second. Last night, I had some crazy dreams, most of which I remembered. I woke up awnry, angry with my DH who was being a jerk in my dream. I told him how insane my dreams were and how it must be a result of my raging hormones since I never had dreams as vivid as I am having them now. I guess that is good, right? Raging hormones means we are still pregnant. See how weirdo my brain works... I'm not complaining, just stating a fact...or trying to justify my confused mental state as my heart continues to heal. This is some tough stuff!

Tomorrow I am going on a pilgrimage to the Our Lady of Guadalupe Shrine in Lacrosse, Wisconsin. I hear it is beautiful and I am really looking forward to going. DH thinks it is too much for me, given I need a two hour nap almost every day lately. Still, I am going. My devotion to Our Lady of Guadalupe has grown three-fold in the past several months, so I am excited. And I figure I can still rest if I need to. I will be praying for all of you at the shrine! How often are all of you on my thoughts and in my prayers! Tomorrow will be no different! Our Mother of Life, Pray For Us!