Fifteen Weeks Today

Can you believe it?!?!

I woke up today and thought how amazing this is...to be pregnant (still). What a miracle...15 weeks...Thanks Be To God!

I have taken a blog-vacay for what seems to be a real long time. I needed it...that, and my laptop crashed. I was in no hurry to get it replaced, but lately I've felt the urge to write again. There was a period of time right after I saw the digital word "pregnant" that seemed to be whirlwind of emotions, mostly anxiety. It is a strange feeling to be pregnant again after a miscarriage, especially when you have been living the infertility lifestyle forever. At 36, I've spent my past 5 years desperately trying to get pregnant, just like soo many of you. My first time I saw the double pink lines, I was soo happy and naive to think that everything was going to be okay. We finally accomplished our task! At such a happy time, it is hard to remember that not every pregnancy ends up with a baby. When we miscarried, I was forced to deal with something I didn't really think would happen to me. I knew in my mind that there was a chance, but I never thought I actually would happen - until it did. I still struggle with that pain of loss, almost daily. But, it is like what so many of you have told me - it does get easier. My thoughts about Catherine Grace are in prayer, asking for my little saints intercession. I think about how I was due in early August and if we didn't miscarry how HUGE I'd be right now. There is a "what if" game I don't like to play! Like my husband said, "there is a sliding door" in reference to a movie about chance/coincidence/fate. It can feel overwhelming sometimes.

And then there is the guilt, yes guilt, of actually being pregnant. My greatest desire, once accomplished, left a taste of fear so great that, when written down my thoughts, translated into...ungrateful. I really realized it when I would write down my feeling (on a blog post) and all that would come out is fear, anxiety, worry. I would re-read what I wrote and delete it because although it was true to what I was feeling, I could understand how any words besides INTENSE JOY, HAPPINESS, or  EXHILARATION about the WONDERFULLY EXCITING NEWS of PREGNANCY  could sound negative. Ungrateful. Misunderstood. Anyone who experienced a miscarriage understands that although you are happy, incredibly happy, you are also leery. Hesitant. Cautious. Guarded because the loss and pain is almost more than you can bear. I know it is only by the grace of God that anyone can recover from such a loss. I read somewhere about a woman who had 10 miscarriages. Ten! I can feel the pieces of my broken heart still inside of my slowly healing chest over my only miscarriage...how can someone endure ten? Grace...or vodka. Lots of vodka. Yet, as painful as the experience was/is, I see the blessing in it and I thank God for it. For me, it has been nothing but Grace that has gotten me though. Just Grace.

On a more positive note: Things have been going real well. I have not had one day of sickness, not one. At first I wanted to be sicker than a dog, but now I'm so grateful that I've had a super easy pregnancy so far. No bleeding. I've only gained 4 pounds. My breasts are still a little sore, but not much at all. I go to the doctor every two weeks, and if I feel I need to go in sooner I can, and the midwife uses an old ultrasound machine on me to see the baby every time I go. I went last Wednesday and was able to see the baby (he/she moving is amazing to me) and his/her little heart was beating away at about 160. At one point, my midwife, after I told her that I don't want to know the sex of the baby and after she told me that the archaic machine we were using doesn't really show the sex well until 16 weeks, she described my baby as "she." Immediately, my eyebrows raised and she then said, "he or she." The elevator ride down, the walk to my car in the parking lot, and the entire morning was then spent with me wondering if the baby is a girl and why else would my midwife say "she." I know it could have been a slip of the tongue, and it could have been an innocent use of a pronoun, but COME ON! Now I'm thinking: Who am I kidding! I can't wait to find out if I have a little girl or boy in my womb! Now I'm thinking I want to know! Our 18 week "good" ultrasound is in three weeks and that is when we can find out for sure the sex...that is, if I want to know. So to help me with my dilemma, I've started the "24 Glory Be's" Novena that goes from the 9th through the 17th. Maybe St. Therese the Little Flower can help me to figure out what I should do. Only, I don't think I am being specific enough in asking if I should find out the sex of the baby or not. If I receive a rose, does that mean I should find out? Or not find out? Or is it just confirmation that my prayer is being heard? Good grief! What a situation to be in, right? I'm sure I'll figure things out soon enough, especially if I have the help of St. Therese...and the Holy Trinity!

Earlier this week we celebrated out sixth wedding anniverary. DH found an awesome little town with a great resort where we stayed. Aside from the bike accident which scared the daylights out of me, it was a perfect weekend! I am so lucky to be married to such a wonderful man that takes care of me in many, many ways. With little vacays, yes, but more importantly, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He could affort to rub my back and/or feet more often, but maybe that will improve the farther along we get! One could hope, right? But he does win the awesome husband award for dealing with the "should we find out the sex of the baby" tear-jerker I had the other day. I could have won the grand prize on Ameri.ca's Fu.nniest Ho.me Videos for sure! He was soo sweet...and tolerant. And that is why I love him. Happy Anniversary Honey! I Love You Soo Much!!!

This is us after our 4th of July fancy dinner out. Aww...we're soo cute!