I thought pregnancy after miscarriage would be ALL roses. I did not expect that this glorious time would be laden with so much fear and anxiety. I did fine after hearing the heartbeat. I was able to relax and enjoy the fact that my baby is growing in my womb. What a miracle! I tell myself that as long as I am not bleeding, and that means we are still pregnant. I had a few days where I have been calm, yet I have found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. Miscarriage is always on my mind. For example; now that the ground is soft, I wanted to buy a headstone for Catherine Grace. I had one picked out, then decided that I should wait one more month, "just in case" - I hate even thinking that way, but I do.
Last night, I dreamt that I miscarried. I saw blood and everything(in my dream). I woke up thinking it was real. It took a minute to realize I was dreaming...a minute and a bathroom check. Then today, PPVI finally called me with my progesterone level from last week. I went down from 24.0 two weeks ago to 16.8. How do I not worry with a drop like that? I am still Zone 2, but I don't like the drop. Of course, DH walked in asking me if everything was okay and the waterworks began to flow. Am I worrying for nothing? What can I do? I feel so helpless! I am taking progesterone shots twice a week...what else can I do? Stupid auto-immune diseases! My next blood draw is next week Thursday, and my first OB appointment is the following Monday. An ultrasound with a heartbeat will satisfy me, but 11 days is a long time...
So my goal is to make it to June 6th for my doctor appointment with as little worry as possible. I am not sure how I am going to do that, especially since I can't drink! (That was kind of a joke). I just need to stay clear of people, at least for today, so I don't start boo-hooing if they ask me how I am. Avoidance will be my word for the day, and maybe the next 11 days. Ha! I wish!
Is there an ultrasound machine in your OB's office? You could call and see if they would let you come in for an ultrasound for peace of mind. My OB will do this sometimes. It might be worth a shot! Praying for peace in your heart!
ReplyDeleteI think we are 2 peas in pod! So much of what you express is what I am going through as well. Peace is fleeting, yet so desired. You are in my prayers. Practically speaking, are you taking prometrium suppositories? If not, can you get a prescription and start taking them. I have found that helps my nerves in between the shots. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteSorry for your anxiety, I'll pray for peace for you and that your baby continue to grow!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you! Keep calm and carry on. :)
ReplyDeleteFor the majority of my second (current) pregnancy I felt much the same way as you. After miscarrying our first I was incredibly cautious with the second trying not to get too attached to the baby for fear of losing him. Waiting between appointments was excruciating and nerve racking. Just know that it DOES get better (I'm now just days away from delivery). For me I began to relax once my baby reached viability, but every time I was able to hear his heartbeat helped me move one step closer to both loving this new child in my womb and letting go of the pain from my miscarriage.
ReplyDeleteI would also second what Megan suggested. If you're ever feeling particularly anxious and just want/need to hear your baby's heartbeat don't be afraid to make an appointment with your OB. They understand what you've been through and it's no trouble for them to let you hear the heartbeat with a doppler - I did this some time around 14 weeks before we told everyone we were pregnant because I was SO nervous about telling people then miscarrying again.
Remember, this is all part of God's plan. He is looking out for you and your baby. And just think - you already have an angel in heaven looking out for this sweet baby! I'm so glad I found your blog. I will definitely keep you in my prayers.
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