It is three and a half weeks since my miscarriage (I have to stop counting). My thoughts are now racing around my next cycle: excitement and intense fear all rolled into one. I'm trying to figure out what I need to do: lose the 5 pounds I gained by emotionally eating, should I take Fe.rtileCM, should I quit my job and solely focus on getting pregnant, I have to eat breakfast, I need to stop drinking coffee, I have to stop breaking out in hives (is it my cat? I can't get rid of my cat), what if I don't get pregnant, what if I don't get pregnant because I'm stressed, what if I do get pregnant and miscarry again. I'm frozen.
DH told me the other night (in a discussion totally unrelated to this) that I am creating my own stress. I am worrying about things that are not that big of a deal. Am I? Am I creating my own prison (because this is what it feels like), or are these real concerns? Or does this all have to do with the reality that I am not in control so I have to preoccupy myself with the "little" things so that if things don't go right I can live my life without blaming myself, or worse yet, him blaming me?
Last night I was all over the place. I was contradicting myself like crazy, looking for some validation but finding it nowhere. I was frozen and just needed him to realize that I needed him to pick me up, rescue me. Tell me what to do because I don't know what to do. I think he got it...slowly. It wasn't fast enough though and I found myself pushing him away by means of isolation. Withdraw, then wonder why I'm alone. Torture. So I guess this is what "it gets worse before it gets better" looks like. My only comfort is in believing, knowing, that it will get better. I know this experience has been a blessing and I know that I will see that clearly in the future. In the meantime...
In the meantime I reflect on a song I've heard about suffering. The artist writes, "There is so much suffering that seems to separate us from Christ and from one another. But Christ heals us through his wounds. Through his body and blood in the Eucharist, we are made whole again. We, in turn, become healers of the suffering Body of Christ through our love. In this song, Christ speaks to us about how he knows our suffering, for it became his suffering when he entered into humanity." (Romans 12:4-5, 1 Corinthians 12:25-26)
"And this blood from my hands,
And this wound in my side -
I am bleeding to heal the wounds in your life.
All the broken hope and broken homes and dreams torn apart -
The blood that I shed is straight from the beat of your broken heart."
It WILL pass and you WILL be better at some point in the future. It is still very early dear friend. I remember being almost obsessed when my first cycle came around after my first miscarriage- on the one hand everyone telling me I was "so fertile" after a m/c and thinking I might get pregnant to be completely afraid (freaked out?) by that possibility. I think it's all part of the healing process. Hang in there- you'll come out of the cold soon! Love you!
ReplyDeleteThat is exactly how I feel, Sunshine! One second I'm afraid of even thinking about trying and the next second I'm thinking I need to start NOW. I can't wait to get off this rollar coaster!
ReplyDeleteI experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy a few months ago and I know what you feel like. Good thoughts being sent your way! I am praying for you!
ReplyDeleteContinuing to pray for you!!
ReplyDeleteI think I'm going to have to look up that song. I can't offer anything like advice for what you're going through, because I have never been there, and even if I had...I doubt there's anything that helps. But please be patient with yourself. You know you don't have to accomplish all those things, make all those decisions now...maybe can you pick *one* thing that you can do right now and work on that? And then there's grieving. You've every right to be grieving. You'll be in my prayers.
ReplyDeletePraying for you!
ReplyDelete1. Grieve...like Misfit said...you need to take time to do that. It is part of the healing.
ReplyDelete2. Remember your hormones are a little wack after all your body just went through. This is an emotional time. Have hope but don't set high expectations.
3. Don't focus so much on becoming obsessed with ttc again. I did that and it made me crazy. I remind myself all the time that this is going to take time and that I can't get my hopes up too high b.c then I'm preparing myself for failure.
4. One thing that has really really helped me comes from a suggestion from a blogger. Starting now, try to take your mind of praying for a baby and conceiving again. Instead, pray in thanksgiving for all that you have (esp that little angel in heaven...Just think, when we die, Jesus will greet us holding our little child:)). Focus on prayers for others. This takes the focus off you. God knows what you need. You have asked him plenty. But it wears you out and reminds you of your struggle daily when you pray for that all the time...
These are just suggestions. They might now work for you. We are all different. I just hope you start to feel better soon!
Oh my goodness, so many of the commentators have said much more eloquently what I could say. All I can add is my own pitiful attempt at advice -
ReplyDeleteYou are loved, God doesn't want you to be paralyzed by fear - it is NOT of Him. He loves you so much and wants to help you through this suffering. He knows suffering, He knows the innermost cry of your heart where even it is painful to let your DH and others see. He knows it and He wants to touch you there and heal you.
We are also there for you and hopefully you can view your blogger buddies as the friends who lifted you down through the roof to see Jesus. Love always, Marie
Sunshine is right...someday this will only be a memory. A sad memory, but a memory nonetheless. Someday, joy will return to you again. I'll pray that that day is soon.
ReplyDeleteNo suggestions, since others have already given great ones. Praying for you and that you will feel lifted up by all the prayers you are getting.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, sweetie.
ReplyDeleteI have been in this situation many times. With each cycle, I was as scared to try as I was not to try. I was as scared to get pregnant as I was not to get pregnant. I needed my husband to tell me what to do because all I could see was every negative thing in the future that could happen. The one benefit (if you call it that), was that I had to take a cycle or 2 off after each m/c and that was “forced” downtime where I truly got to grieve rather than obsess over the future, but as soon as I was given the go-ahead, the fear started in.
ReplyDeleteI really don’t have any advice. How awful is that? I just want you to know you’re not alone. My DH would listen to my hysterics (and that’s what they were), but when I was done, he would sit me down and say that we needed to take one step at a time. We need to decide about this cycle, not the next 12. We can’t worry about a possible future m/c if there isn’t even a pregnancy. We can worry about that then. Does the timing, CM, blood work, etc. look good for THIS cycle. It helped me to slow down and focus on the immediate task at hand and what actions I could take. None of us can control the future. When I forced him about the big long-term what-ifs, he finally said, “If we stop trying right now, do you think you will regret it in 10 years?” And I knew I would. No matter the outcome, I never feel good about something unless I give it my all. JBTC is right. The fear isn’t from God. When it sneaks in, beat with the biggest prayer stick you’ve got.
Thank you soo much for all the advice and prayers. I know this will get better...someday. Thank you XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteI just got caught up on this post, and all the comments are amazing. Just know that I am praying for you!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to stop buy and let you know I am praying for you. Hope you are beginning to feel a little better
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