I'm having a hard time today.
Maybe I was triggered by my labwork yesterday which should show that my HCG levels are nil (since they were almost nil two weeks ago). I'm waiting for the phone call from some nurse that won't be able to inform me in any acceptable way possible, "your numbers are zero." But I will hear the translation: You are 100% NOT pregnant. I will respond with a "thank you," hang up, and probably cry. I can't wait.
Maybe it's in anticipation of the burial rite coming up on Saturday, the Solemnity of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of God. After my labwork yesterday, I went to the mall and bought a box for Catherine Grace. I had her name inscribed on it with the date she was born. Thank God the girl doing the work didn't ask me any questions! You know how naive teenage girls can be. Fortunately, she didn't care.
Maybe it is because today is the Feast of the Holy Innocents.
Maybe it is just my hormones. I am increasingly agitated today compared to yesterday. I am sure my body is producing this insane cocktail of something. My guess is that my body is enraged because it is coping with the truth that we are no longer pregnant. Not pregnant for 17 days now. Yet my brain keeps thinking, "but we are supposed to be pregnant right now." I know, I know....I'm losing it.
So my solution to my madness: Just sit down and be...and cry.
I know that this is probably all normal "stuff." Normal feelings. Normal grieving. I'm sure it will get worse before it gets better, especially with Saturday coming up. I pray that helps me to feel a little better. In the meantime, I have to ask God to help me get through all of this. I know that Through Him, With Him, and In Him....I will.
You will. I am so sorry you have to go through all this. I will be sending you something in the mail today. I know that no words or cards can help at the moment but it's just a little something, I just couldn't pass by.
ReplyDeletePraying for you.
Awe sweet one, I am sitting her in silence and will say a special prayer for you right after the click of the post button. Hang in there. Hugs.
ReplyDelete(Hug)...prayers, prayers, and more prayers. Love you!
ReplyDeleteBig hugs! Loss is so hard. :( That is good that you are letting yourself cry, and you are not losing your mind! It does get easier, I promise, but there will always be a part of you that will long for that sweet baby. 6 months after our loss, and I still have moments of deep sadness, but it doesn't dominate all my thoughts as it did in the beginning. Thinking of our little saint in Heaven is what really got me through, and knowing that she is praying for us gives me so much peace.
ReplyDeleteYou and your DH are in my prayers!
Dear sister in Christ, my heart aches for you. May the Lord bless and keep you in His tender care and give you the consolation of knowing that Catherine Grace is not definitively lost, but is merely waiting for your reunion one day. Hugs!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you ladies. Your words and prayers bring me much consolation...
ReplyDeleteYou will get through this with Him. Sending tons and tons of prayers your way. God Bless.
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