Thy will be done...

My mind is so flooded that if anyone gives me a minute of attention I unknowingly pull them into my sea...and soon we both are drowning. I did it again yesterday, and as cathartic as it is for me to let the floodgate down, I feel silly, and vulnerable, and embarrassed to expose myself like that. There is no doubt...I NEED A SUPPORT GROUP.

I look back on a journal entry from 1/15/2010: As I sit in recovery, my belly cut open and sore, healing flesh, hoping it can heal my soul. Preparing for a year of hardship, wondering if my prayers will be answered - are they supposed to be? And how much longer, if ever? I am saddened this is so hard. I hurt for my husband who has no choice but to journey with me, and I beat myself up with my "what ifs". But I snap out of it and remind myself that this thinking is not fair...I can only live in the present. I can only be here now. And praying that I can grow my family, with my husband, enjoined forever, united, with the greatest gift God could give us...ourselves.

Do you understand? Can you understand? I know who can, who does, so I pay a visit.



And He reminds me that He has it under control. "Thy will be done" brings me to tears, I'm glad that it does, because then I am reminded of who is really in control. I'm carrying my cross and following Him, and although I stumble often, I know who wins in the end - and that comforts me. He comforts me. Thanks be to God!