I am on an island. Like in the drama "Lost", yep, that is me, only without a cast of 20. It's just me...maybe my husband too, but sometimes I feel I am definately alone. But I know that there are people out there like me, I just don't know where they are or how to reach them. What I do know for sure is that I definately feel I am misunderstood.
So my answer tonight was "No, I don't want to go to the Superbowl party". Why? Because I don't want to be the only one there without a kid...again. A house full of children running everywhere. Cute kids, all ages, all sizes...nice families, I just can't be near it right now. The truth is that last New Years when I was near it - I struggled. A house full of kids and mommies and daddies, and me and my husband - childless. No one asks how we are doing...no one asks for a follow-up on the specialist they knew about three years ago...no one cares to know about our progress at all (or lack thereof). This can make me cry.
I understand that people don't know what to say. I know that it makes people uncomfortable - how do you think I feel? I bring in the big pink "infertile" elephant into the room, and no one says anything!!! But my heart breaks, silently, and alone, in a big house with kids everywhere. This is not my definition of fun, so please excuse my attendance until I have a baby to bring!
So, what do I need? I need someone who understands that I still love your baby and think he's adorable, but I just don't want to hold him because that hurts me. And I need someone to understand that just because I really, really want a baby, there is a chance that I still won't have one - so telling me that it will happen soon is not supportive. And "no", I'm not being negative, and I'm not depressed for thinking that! And mentioning your "problems" conceiving and dropping the name of your IVF doctor is also uncomfortable for me, because now I have to explain why that is not an option for me which implies that I don't agree with your choice. And unless you have Diabetes, PCOS, endo, thyroid...we're not the same...so I don't care if all you needed was Clomid, or to take some cough syrup, or to just "relax" - that is not going to work for me.
What I need is for you to not ignore me! What I need is for you to call me every once in a while to check in with me. Maybe we can have lunch, and maybe I'll tell you more about how I feel about my "situation". Believe it or not, I want to talk to people about it! I want to be understood. I think about it all the time! I don't want your pity, I don't want you to dance around the subject, but I need you to listen to what I have to say...and I'll tell you how much I want you to know. Let me be the driver, but let me know you are interested in the route. Let me know that you can see me, that I am not invisible, and that I am not on an island. And in the meantime, please post more pictures of you kids, because I really do enjoy those. And while you're at it....pray for me.
Oh, I loved this post - this last paragraph was so close to my thoughts and feelings, but you say it so much more eloquently. I know this is way after the fact, but I realized I hadn't read these posts and wanted to go back and read them. God Bless you and your DH, you are both a blessing to so many.
ReplyDelete