All Souls Day, 2011 (including Belly Pics and Ultrasound)

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011: All Souls Day.

This was one very emotional day. 

It all started at morning Mass. I went to help the lady that is taking over my job with our traditional candle lighting. We have out the Book of Remembrance and Book of Innocence all month, but on All Souls Day we also had out little red candles where parishioners can light a candle for a deceased loved one and/or leave a picture of their beloved on a table near the front of the church (off to the side). When everyone else was done lighting their candles, placing their pictures, and putting their names in the books, it was my turn.

There it is, my daughter's name in the Book of Innocents. Once I wrote her name down, I stepped back and looked at it. I felt the tears coming, despite the wonderful day I had yesterday knowing Catherine Grace is in Heaven. I stepped back and choked back tears. Then the bell rang. Time to sit down...only then I went to my pew I started balling. I had to step out of the church to compose myself! Eventually, I was able to return to my pew and I was fine for the remainder of Mass, including when we received Holy Communion, which I thought I would break down, but I didn't. After Mass, a good friend, B, came up to me and gave me a hug. No words, just a hug. The waterworks started to well up so I chose to leave immediately as opposed to lingering and talking to everyone in the narthex. Good call, because the tears fell as I walked from the church to the Parish Center. No one saw me though. Good!

I guess I shouldn't really be surprised by the grief I still feel, but I am. I felt guilty for feeling such grief when clearly I have been blessed with Johnny. I have this growing belly that precedes me, and still I am taken a back by our first loss. I guess there is a part of me that thought eventually I would "get over it" (secular influence or wishful thinking) but I haven't and I can't. I shouldn't. She was real. She was my first child. She is my daughter and it is okay to feel the way I do. Do I really think that I am going to just forget because I am pregnant now? Of course not, yet I think there is a part of me that maybe thought I would feel better once I got pregnant again. But it hasn't. Not at all. I guess that is a trait of a real mother.

Eventually I went home and felt the need to take some belly shots. I think I was feeling guilty for being sad about Catherine Grace, and somehow I interpreted that as if I was not happy or accepting of Johnny (which is ridiculous of course, I couldn't be more thrilled) so I took some pictures. Here I am at 31 weeks and 4 days.

Oh yeah...there it is!

I then watched A B.aby St.ory which was actually interesting given the show had to do with a lady whose water broke at 32 weeks and she had her baby. The baby was 4 pounds, 3 ounces and looked like a real, little, baby. I know that sounds weird. Of course the baby was real! Duh! But sometimes I have a hard time realizing that there is a full sized baby inside of me. I know that he is there, I just have a hard time thinking he is big, as in life sized. I imagine a small, little tiny doll-like being in there that floats about, but no...that is not what is going on! At this point, they are big! This simply amazes me.

Later this afternoon, DH and I went to our ultrasound appointment. It turns out that our baby is measuring 4 pounds exactly and he is simply: Perfect. His heart rate was at 120bpm, his femur size was at 50% and the placenta and fluid look great. Just look at my perfect little boy:



 Sooooo CUTE! This little guy is just the cutest little thing! It looks like he has his daddy's nose and ears. He has hair (according to the tech) and I wonder if it will be curly or not. I also look forward to finding out if he has brown or blue eyes (he has 50/50 chance of either). I just have a funny feeling that he is going to be one good lookin' little kid!

I am getting more and more excited that he will soon be here. I can't wait to meet this little guy! My emotions quicky jump to super happy whenever I think of him. I can only imagine once he is actually in my arms. I wonder if he will ever really understand just how much he was wanted...and needed. Oh, if only I could show him and tell him how much I love him already!