Ok, I am blaming my hormones here. I hate to do that, but in this situation, I think they played a part. Hormones, and the fact that the battle scars of IF have not healed quite yet, apparently.
So, our Associate Pastor just celebrated his 15th year as a Priest. Today, we had a nice celebration for him at the Parish Center. As I was leaving, a lovely parishioner came up to me pushing her double stroller with beautiful children in it. She said that she didn't realize I was pregnant, of which I understood given a) I haven't seen her in a little while and b) I was a somewhat late belly bloomer. She gave me a huge hug and told me how happy she was for me and how her family has been praying for us. Well, that is all it took for the memories to flood back. In particular the memory of her final days of being pregnant with her youngest child just nine months ago.
I remember it like it was yesterday. They were new to our parish and I noticed them at Children and Family Adoration on Sunday nights because they were new, a large well-behaved and beautiful family of 8, and she was very pregnant. As in, "Today is my due-date and this baby isn't going anywhere" pregnant. I, on the other hand, was infertile. I remember hearing that little voice in my head saying, "Ask her to offer up her suffering in labor for you." What a ridiculous thought! I don't even know these people! What do you say? Hi, my name is. I am infertile, and since you are not, I was hoping you would think of me as you give birth? Like I said, what a ridiculous thought, and so I never said anything to her.
The next week, the family was at Adoration again, and there she was, still pregnant.
"Ask Her!"
I did not. I almost did, but I didn't.
So today, when she mentions that her family has been praying for us, the above story comes out of my mouth. "I remember when..." Cue waterworks.
Why did I feel the need to tell her this crazy story of wanting to ask her to offer her pain for us? Come On! It wasn't necessary. I am sure I looked insane to her, crying like I was. She was very kind and compassionate, and I don't regret it...telling the story...I mean, it is what it is, right? It just surprises me that those feelings resurfaced the way they did. The desperation. The embarrassment. Feeling crazy. Feeling afraid. Feeling sad, again.
When I finally got home, I was drained. Emotionally drained. And so I napped...for three hours.
I'm still exhausted. I guess five years of infertility will do that a person. Even after they've conquered it. Even as the baby moves right now. The feelings never really go away, or do they? Regardless, the memories remain...
I don't think they go away. We may heal, but we never forget.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting to hear you say all of this. I had a meltdown at my last instruction session with my CrMS teacher.(I always cry there) I said, I just can't wait for all this sadness to be over. She said something very true and telling next. She said, it'll get better but it will always be with you. Hmmmmmmmm. You'll most likely not be able to have a child at will like some women, so to some degree this sadness will be around and resurface. She wasn't being harsh or mean, she's just seen tons of cases like mine and she was giving me the heads up. Even when we do concquer IF (naturally or through adoption) it's still a part of our journey. I think it's totally natural for those feelings to come back up. I feel like I'll feel the same way one day.
ReplyDelete-Ania
Amazing! Her family was praying for you without you asking?!?!!? Did I get the story straight?
ReplyDeleteIts a good thing that you shared with her. I hope it felt good to let it all out and share the moment you had so long ago.
I'm so sorry the infertile feelings haven't gone away. I hope you are feeling better today.
AIHPT - Yes, they were praying for me without me ever mentioning anything. Amazing! As a matter of fact, after I had the courage to publically tell everyone that we are pregnant, there were a lot of people that told me they were praying for us. Humbling, for sure. What a miracle!
ReplyDeleteAnia - your teacher is wise.
That reminds me of the movie The Rabbit Hole. The subject is the death of a child but I think it can be applied to any traumatic event in life. They compare it to carrying a brick in your pocket. You can start to forget about it but then you dig in for something else and feel it all over again.
ReplyDeleteWhat a sweet woman to remember her in your prayers without you saying anything! Also, it's always nice to be able to blame hormones. :)
oh man, i've been getting that recently too...you'd have hoped that pregnancy would just make everything better. sometimes when i hear pregnancy announcements still i just think "Huh? how long were they trying? and how old were they?" instead of that excitement that preceded our struggle.
ReplyDeleteand then when it really hits me is how differently i would be thinking and feeling on a daily basis were it not for this little one inside of me. as bad as those memories are, i feel so so fortunate that they are now just that, memories. my heart breaks for those still there without a future to see and feel in the moment, only the idea of hope.
Wow, your post gave me chills. :) I think it's amazing you told her your story, and also amazing that her family was praying for you this whole time.
ReplyDeleteI guess I can see how the feelings of IF (and/or loss) will never go away. I don't think I'll ever forget, but some things certainly do get easier with time.
Wow, your post gave me chills. :) I think it's amazing you told her your story, and also amazing that her family was praying for you this whole time.
ReplyDeleteI guess I can see how the feelings of IF (and/or loss) will never go away. I don't think I'll ever forget, but some things certainly do get easier with time.
The feelings NEVER go away. You can never unchange from the way IF changed you. Beautiful story. I know we have those very poignant moments for very specific reasons in our lives. So glad they were praying for you without you even asking. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you told her! Good for you. :)
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