Rebel Me

Naughty, naughty. Please don't tell my nutritionist. I just know she wouldn't approve of this diabetic gulping down a vanilla milkshake! I only drank 1/2 of a small one, and I figured that it can't be much worse than french fries, of which I chose to forgo so I could have 1/2 a milkshake. Being diabetic is totally NOT FAIR, especially when it is 95 degrees outside. All you "normal" people: Don't take your spontaneous trip to get ice cream or your impulsive inhalation of a candy bar for granted. I wish I could eat cake whenever I want to, and if I was cured of my diabetes for even one day, that is all I would eat - cake. And candy. And ice cream. With whipped cream. And brownies.

Yet, although I indulged this once, justifying my bad behavior with the fact that there was milk in there with frozen yogurt, I will most likely not do this again anytime soon. I pray that I will not have any cravings for anything sweet the next few months. I'd like to keep my cravings limited to nuts, eggs, pickles, and/or carrots. That is it. I know this is unrealistic, but this is all I can eat (pretty much) without my blood sugar skyrocketing past 130, which is my limit. Let me tell you, I look at a piece of bread and my blood sugar goes over 130. Diabetes Sucks!

And to make matters worse, I just saw "A B.aby St.ory" where the gal had gestational diabetes and took insulin. Once the baby was born, they had to take the baby to NICU because of the insulin. The baby's levels could drop and so the baby had to be whisked away immediately. No one mentioned this to me, so this will be question #2 on Wednesday when I see the midwife. I mean, if that is what we have to do, we'll do it, but it would be nice to be prepared ahead of time! What is question #1? Should I be worried about not gaining much weight? I have barely gained 4 pounds and I am 16 weeks. According to the "charts" I should have gained 5-10 pounds by now. I am not showing either. My baby should be at least 4 inches long CTR and you can hardly tell. Well, you can't tell at all! I know everyone is different, but I wouldn't be MHE without worrying about something! I keep thinking that one day I am going to wake up and my belly is going to have popped out and I will be able to relax...and go shopping for new clothes. So far, no need to buy anything "maternity" yet.

Although, I did recently buy this shirt the other day. I have a group of friends getting together at the end of August in which one other gal is pregnant. We have not told the others (except for each other) and thought it would be fun to tell them by walking in with a baby shirt. The original idea was the classic t-shirt with "BABY" and an arrow pointing down, but my friend found this bumpalicous shirt and bought it, forcing me to buy it too. It is not really my style, and I can't really see myself walking around my small town with a bumpalicious t-shirt on, but I bought it anyway. It will be fun for at least one night, and maybe around the house. I will say that it is hard to buy maternity clothing for future use! By time I actually wear the shirt, I will be 22 weeks along (God willing). Now, I am a 16 week, not-showing-at-all pregnant woman trying to figure out how big I might be in six weeks. How ridiculous, and next to impossible! I wish I could have seen myself in the dressing room trying on these shirts. I'd be cracking myself up! Ha!

But all this baby posting aside, I want to say how heavy my heart has felt in going from having an IF blog to now expecting. It is a challenge to write about my experiences as sometimes I worry about hurting those that are still carrying the cross of infertility. Although I want to be authentic in my journey, I pray that I am still sensitive to yours for your journey was mine just a few months ago. I see new women delurking, joining blogland in hopes to connect and not feel so alone. I was you just a year and half ago. I was you five months ago. I remember how hard it was to read the blogs of those women who have crossed over, wondering when it will be my turn, if ever. I remember someone telling me that my feelings of sadness when I learn of a new pregnancy was one of "jealousy" and thinking how wrong they were for thinking that. How my feelings are not jealousy...I don't want your baby, or your fertility, or your family. I want my own health so I can start my own family. This is normal and natural and I shouldn't feel bad for being sad that I don't have that...yet. It is natural and normal to desire your own family, and for me, my sadness was my heartache for the hole not yet filled in my life, and later, for the loss that I will never know what could have been.

I must admit, there have been several times, recently, when finding out about new pregnancies that I have told my husband, "this is much easier to take knowing that we are pregnant." Discussing reunions with family and friends are easier to tolerate knowing that I will have a baby in my arms during those times. Whenever we discuss such things, please know that I say a prayer for you. I remember, and it will be a long time until I forget.  But as my life changes, such I will document. Soon enough, MHE will get a make-over which will most likely include baby bump photos, a birth-day countdown, and pink or blue background color, all because this is part of my journey. I wish I could have a red MHE, a division line, and then a new designed blog. It is too bad that you can't keep the old with the new to show the transition, evolution, of our lives. It will be as if my past life with IF disappears and didn't exist, but it did. You could see it archived on top of the new little bottles and duckies wallpaper. And even though the new pictures will be of (no doubt) a gorgeous baby with a big smiling mommy, please know that I will always remember my struggle, your struggle, and that I am still, and will always, be praying for you. Always.