I Knew I Would Cry

I feel I have come across in blogworld as one big cry baby that has not gotten a grip on my m/c that happened over two months ago now. The truth is: most days (lately) I'm okay. Yes, I think of Catherine Grace every day, but that is in prayer. I am not isolated in deep despair. I, by all means, "appear normal" in my everyday life. I feel "normal" in my everyday life. Some people or things have been difficult for me to face, but 95% of the time I am fine. As long as no one mentions it to me, or asks me how I'm doing, I'm dry-faced. No tears. But the second someone brings it up, I just can't help myself.

Today is P+7 which means I went in for a blood draw which I mail out to Omaha. I have been going to the same place for a year and a half now and have gotten to know the two ladies in the lab. Every time I go in there to get blood drawn, they cheer me on and wish me luck. Super sweet ladies. They have been wonderful, and the day my Beta HCG was elevated, they were super-excited with me. I haven't seen them since then...until today. I KNEW I would get emotional when I saw them so I tried to talk myself into keeping things under control on the the drive up. I did fine, until they saw me and said, "We were just talking about you!" They figured that I was with an OB office and that is why I wasn't going there for blood draws, which would make sense if I was pregnant. They took my paperwork and asked, "Is this a good test?" No, it's not. Cue waterworks. In the lab. With the lab techs. And no kleenex.

I barely remember her taking my blood. Good grief! I just knew that would happen. And after it did, I felt a sense of embarrassment. Like, I should be over this by now, or at least be able to talk about it without crying (in public with almost strangers). Heck, I don't even know their names, and yet I cried...

I know everyone is different and people deal with grief in their own time, I just wish I knew when that would happen for me. Most days I'm fine. Sometimes I can talk about it and it's not a dramatic scene. But other times, I'm just boo-hooing like crazy, and with the most unlikely people. I'm not depressed, I'm not hormonal (well, maybe slightly. It is P+7), I'm not dwelling on the past. I just feel like I get pounced on with sneak grief attacks and I don't like it. It reminds me that I am not in control, even when I try to convince myself otherwise.

I wonder if my husband experiences this? I think he does, just men handle it better than us women. He told me the other day that he went to grab a sandwich at lunch and noticed a woman with her baby. The whole point of the story was to say how she was taking such good care of the baby the entire time. In other words: he noticed a baby, a good mom, and he could see us being like that with our child (if we ever have one). He had another experience not too long ago where he noticed a baby (I can't remember that story). My "baby radar" has been going off for years, and now his radar is sounding an alarm. I feel so bad for him! He would make an incredible dad...if only...

Now please don't think that I dwell in this never-ending saga of depression. This is just the experience I had today, and it's my infertility blog and I want to talk about it! But really, I'm fine most of the time. This morning was just not one of them, however, I still have all afternoon and evening to turn that around (before DH gets home). I think I will go out for some ice cream to try to get this party started! Yes, ice cream always makes things better...