I Lied

He said, "You haven't blogged in a while. How come?"

I responded, "I don't have anything to say."

I lied.

It is not that I don't have anything to say, it is more like I am afraid to say it. I am afraid to think it, I am afraid to type it, I am afraid to express it.

I took Fe.rtl.eCM this past month, and although it did its job (slightly), it upset my stomach a lot. I decided it was not worth it and I will not be taking it again. If anyone would like what I have left over, let me know. You can have it! I stopped taking it the day I peaked (at least I think I peaked). Ever since then, I'm over-analyzing every little twitch, ache, jab and pain. I am keeping mental track of how sensitive certain body parts are, and trying to compare this sensitivity (or lack there of) from the day before. I contemplate POAS in the mornings, afternoons, evenings. I haven't done it, but I think about it. I haven't done it because when it comes back "negative" I will be crushed. I am not prepared to be crushed yet. I should still have 9 more days to prepare for that. And that is causing me a lot of anxiety.

I've read about how upset people get when AF comes to town. I never really felt a huge level of disappointment in the past. I know that is because I never really thought I would actually get pg. But now that I have been pregnant, I am getting mad at the thought that AF could/will most likely come. I should be relaxing. I should be calm. I should do what I say I do and really trust in God...but instead I'm getting angry. Angry because I don't want to be disappointed. I don't want to sad. I want to be pregnant.  And of course all this emotion comes with my personal favorite behavior: Avoidance. Avoiding being open in conversation with my husband. Avoiding blogging. Avoiding feeling. I am allowing my anxiety of CD1, translation: fear of not being pregnant, translation: fear that I probably will never get pregnant again, take over. How do you stop that from happening? The only solution I know of is to be pregnant! How long is this going to last? If only I could give up being barren for Lent.

So there it is...I thought things were better, emotionally speaking, and then I peaked. And now I am obsessing over every bodily function. But quite honestly, the physical aching in my left ovary (?) is causing me some concern. I had endo pretty bad and never felt any pain. I have a pretty good/high pain tolerance. But now I am feeling pain and what I call a "stretching" feeling . Could this be endo again? Can I add this to my list of what I would like to give up for Lent too?

Speaking of Lent, I decided what I am going to do. After reading "Unpla.nned" by A.bby Joh.nson last weekend, I decided that I will go pray at the abortion mill for 40 D.ays for Lif.e. I have never done this before and thought that it is about time that I do. If you haven't read this book yet, please do! It was a quick read and really helped me to realize that I need to do more than what I am doing now. I don't know what to expect, but I am looking forward to being a part of it! Unfortunately.