Connecting The Dots

I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out why I have been feeling so "blah" lately. I have very little motivation to do much of anything, and it has definitely shown in my blog. Of course, the first thing I think of is "hormones". I must be hormonal! Isn't that the reason for all my problems? Or maybe it's the weather. It has been kind of cloudy and rainy... No, nice try. But I came to an epiphany last Saturday while talking to my husband. My "ah-ha" moment occurred while discussing our "plans" for 2011.

I thought it would be wise to discuss my serious consideration of going to Fatima/Lourdes/WYD in August next year. The trip is expensive (about half of what I make all year) so I wanted his input, of course. As I was talking about that pilgrimage, and as I could see his frown, I quickly ask about the trip to Rome in December of next year. Are we going to go on that pilgrimage? And what about a vacation in March? I could really use a vacay - a real one with sand and fruity drinks with umbrellas in them. And, of course, all of these trips would get put aside if I got pregnant or if we adopt...but we can't sit around and play the "what if" game. We need to live our lives for "what if" we don't get pregnant or adopt next year?

So ultimately I want to go to Florida in January, Costa Rica in March, Spain in August, and Rome in December. Why not? Do it while you can, right? It was then when I finally stopped talking and my DH looked at me and asked what our goals are? Well, to have a baby, of course!

And it is at this moment that I realize how I am distracting myself with all these trips so I don't have to deal with my IF. Then I feel the need to explain to him how EVERY DAY I think about a baby. EVERY DAY it is on my mind. Where am I in my cycle? How is my CM? When am I going to ovulate? Am I going to be able to tell if I am ovulating? Is he going to be tired/out of town/pressured? How do I make this more romantic/spontaneous and about us, more so than about a baby? Wait, this last question is a good one...how do I make this more about us and less about a baby when I am planning and prepping for it ALL THE TIME!?

I know I am not in control here. I can understand and appreciate that - cognitively. But emotionally, I am getting drained. I am trying to carry my cross gracefully, and I am trying to stay positive and hopeful, but I am really just sad sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes I am. And sometimes I feel like I'm failing, like my body is failing, and no matter what I do - it's not enough. And the fact that I think that way makes me realize that I am holding back and not giving it all to our Lord. I continue to think, subconsciously, or maybe not so subconsciously, that I am in control here. I am thinking that once I truly give it all up, and accept His will completely and totally, that I will no longer have this incredibly strong desire inside of me to be a mom. But that is ridiculous, right?

I want to give it all up to Him. I know that is what I need to do, and I know that I need to trust in Him more than I do right now. So why am I holding back so much? I know that I am where I am today because He has taken care of me all this time. Really, my life doesn't make sense on my own! If you knew where I came from and what I had to come through, you would have to believe that Someone was guiding and protecting me! I know this much to be true. And yet I hesitate. I hesitate to take that next step. I find myself almost afraid to do what I need to do, ask what I need to ask, and even receive what I need to receive from Him. Isn't that silly? What am I afraid of? I tell myself this fear is not from God, and I hear a little voice in my head, "He will provide for you a miracle." But do I believe it?

And then last night, I read TCIE's post. I loved this post! This is probably the reason why I have been feeling so "blah" lately. Not because of her post, but because I have been feeling the same way - I just can't put it into words as eloquently as she did. These blogs, as helpful as they are, can also be depressing when you are still in the TTC boat. Most of the blogs I read are of women that have received their blessing, and I still wait. I wait in hope, more hope now because of them, but I'm waiting none the less. They are not. So when I read her post, I wanted to tell her - well done - I feel you! Instead I held back and said nothing. But I do feel better about where I am! It began to feel like I am still alone in the (blog) world. What has happened is that I found one blog, which connected me to a bunch of other women who have been connected for a while. Now they are in a new place, but there are other bloggers (probably lurking like me), newbies, that I just don't know about. So I need to find them, so I can feel connected (again). I hope. And once I feel better connected, I won't feel the need to distract myself anymore.

And in the meantime, as we walk this journey, and as I feel sad or afraid, I will continue to pray and unite myself to Him. I pray now that I can do this more perfectly so I can come into full and total communion with our Lord, the Giver of Life, Himself. Please pray for me, as I am praying for you.