Double Whammy

What started off as excitement with a "New Beginning" turned out to be the same old, same old. Quite disappointing, and since I am CD3, I was also quite emotional over it. So why the crocodile tears?

My doctor told me that my A1C was exactly the same as in December, 6.5. And although that is great in the world of diabetes, it is bad in the world of TTC. What is so disappointing is that I really worked hard to get it be lower this time. My first six weeks after surgery, my BS was great! No doubt about it! And I can't believe that my last 6 weeks nixed all that work, but it did. The antedote: increase my Lantus and lower my Humalog ratio! MORE INSULIN! He said "no" to the insulin pump (said insurance won't pay for it) and to expect more low readings. Oh yeah, I also have to adjust my thyroid meds to 75mcgs five times a week and 50mcg on M/Th, more thyroid meds too...

Then I get a call from Pope Paul VI Institue for a chart review. Based on my chart, they want me to go on HCG (human chorionic gonadatrophin)which is an injectable medication to be used on P+3,5,7, and 9 days because my progesterone levels are LOW. Also start taking vitamin B6, 500mg extended release once a day. Get P+7 bloodwork, which I will do every cycle now. I instantly revert two years to when we were taking over $1000 a month in meds that were shipped to me, all hormones, that made me feel crazy. There were so many things going on, they all left a bad taste in my mouth, and now I am scared that experience will happen again. I'm scared...really scared.

This Holy Week, I pray that I can meditate on the true meaning of what Christ did for me, as opposed to what I still need from him. Remembering that He gives me everthing I need and that I need nothing if not from Christ. Remembering that I can attach my sufferings to His, for my future family, and be more united to Him in His Mystical Body which can heal all bodies and souls, today and for eternity. Remembering that in his Resurrection, I too can be resurrected, for nothing is impossible with God.