An Almost Birthday

Every Sunday after Mass, my husband and I go to my in-laws for breakfast. "Restaurant R**" I call it. There is the usual banter that goes on: make fun of DH, discuss what is going on locally and nationally, watch golf on t.v. - you know...the usual. Two weeks ago, after a very pleasant time at Restaurant R**, as we were heading out to go home, my MIL called me into her bedroom. What happened next, I'm embarrassed to say, was NOT pretty.

She opens the door to her closet and in it is an all white, ruffled bassinet. She said, "I picked this up at a yard sale a few weeks ago." She was soo excited! I was trying to not explode in tears. I politely said, "thank you," at least I think I said it politely, then turned to walk away as all I really wanted to do was go home - quickly. But, still excited and not picking up on my body language, she grabs my shoulders, turns me around, hugs me and says, "Now you can fill it up with babies!"

As I walked into the living room where FIL and DH were, I must have been all shades of red or had some kind of scowl on my face. DH has no idea what is going on and FIL says, "I thought that was a surprise. [She/me] only wants new things." I don't remember what happened in the next minute, but I know that I couldn't get out of there fast enough! Because DH and I drove separately, I was outty immediately. DH arrived home 5 minutes later. He was stopped by his mom who told him that she thinks I was upset.

I was upset. Primarily at myself for how I reacted. I know that she was soo happy about the bassinet and I did not respond the way she expected. Secondarily, that she is buying things without my input on what I even want. Third: Yes, I want new things for this baby. Isn't that a normal desire for a first born child? (Now trust me, I have realized that I am being a big brat in wanting new items, and I am dealing with this). When DH came home, we were in a fight. I was saying I wasn't mad, he knew I was (because his mom told him I was). He didn't understand, mostly because he can't read my mind. I was still trying to figure out my feelings. The result: an all-day silent treatment with each other. Brutal, I know.

I ended up writing DH a letter. It is amazing how much you can learn about yourself when you just let your feeling flow. This is part of what I wrote:

As you might know from listening to me talk to Paula yesterday [our midwife], I still think about the miscarriage daily. This has drastically influenced my decision to find out that sex the baby is because I need to bond with my baby and not just thrive on fear alone. I need to identify with our child. When your mother decides to get a bassinet and tell me how we are going to fill it up, before I am ready to think about furniture because I am still concerned about not gaining weight, not looking or feeling pregnant, and miscarriage does happen at 17, 18, 19, 20, 24 weeks....defend me. I'm having a hard time with our loss still. Maybe I should be over it by now, but I'm not. I would think that someone could understand that. I don't think that is that crazy. When I put off getting a headstone for the cemetery to "see what happens" with this baby - try to understand. I don't want to be rushed, more or less by your mother, or my mother for that fact. I am trying my best to deal and make everyone else happy. It would be nice if someone would do the same with me - finally.

Just reading this over again makes me cry. DH got my email and we made up. Everything is, in lack of a better word, okay. I don't know if he communicated with his parents about my feelings and thoughts about what happened with the bassinet, but last weekend when I went to Restaurant R**, everything was "normal." Thank You, Jesus!

Today, I am 19 weeks pregnant. I still have not gained but 6 pounds total, but I think my belly is showing a little bit. I think I am feeling the baby move too (it feels like little pulsations for a couple of seconds, then stops, then again). Who knows if that really is the baby or not? As time goes on, it will be more clear, but as of now, I am saying those pulsations are my baby moving. There is life in my womb, and I can feel it.

But it is a funny thing, this thing called "life." It is true, I still think about my miscarriage every day. It has gotten easier, especially with being pregnant now, and I often wonder where I would be emotionally if we didn't conceive this blessing when we did. Tomorrow, August 7th, was our due date for Catherine Grace. I am glad it is on a Sunday because I will get to attend Children and Family Adoration on what would have been her birthday. Am I supposed to celebrate this? Am I supposed to think about what could have been? Am I supposed to feel this sad, and excited, about both children at the exact same time? Am I going to feel this way forever? I have no idea how normal, or not, these thoughts and feeling are. Please tell me if I am losing my mind because sometimes, I feel like I am.

So, if you can, please say a little prayer that I am not a complete emotional wreck tomorrow, especially between 10:30A and noon when we visit Restaurant R**. I hope I don't get anything but my eggs scrambled and my sausage slightly burnt and crispy. :)

Happy Almost Birthday to my very first baby! I love you soo much! Pray for us, my little heavenly daughter, sweet Catherine Grace! Pray for us!