5 Months In

Shhh...the baby is sleeping.

I just might be able to post a blog.

But I don't have much time. He doesn't nap very long.
45 minutes is all I get most days.
You can't accomplish much in 45 minutes, especially when you take 30 just to "relax".
I need at least 30 to sit down and breath.
and maybe watch a little Housewives.
Brutal, I know, but I love those shows.

Life has been busy over here.
But every day is better than the last.
I still find myself in awe that we have a baby.
And he is the most adorable thing ever.
I feel like we've hit the baby jackpot.
And now, at 5 1/2 months, he is reaching for people.
He is reaching for me...and it is the BEST feeling ever.
A baby reaching for his mommy.
He is the best.

My cycles started up again at 4 months.
Exclusively breastfeeding, and they started up at 4 months.
I think something triggered in my body which caused the milk problems I was having and then sparked some hormonal domino effect which resulted in a CD1. At four months.
That came with some pretty harsh feelings, I must admit.
Feelings of:

• My baby is growing up.
• Is my body going to be okay?
• Am I still going to have a 40 day cycle?
• Am I going to be able to tell when I peak?
• Am I still going to have PCOS?
• Will I be able to get pregnant again?
• Is DH going to want to get pregnant again?
• What if he doesn't? What if he wants to wait?
• When you are 37, you don't feel like you can "wait" even for a month.
• You don't feel like you can "wait" if it took you 6 years to get pregnant the first time.
• What if we can't get pregnant again. Is that because something is (still) wrong?
• Is there something wrong now which caused me to start to cycle soo early?

I can go on and on.

Another thing that I don't know how to handle very well: The question, "Is this your first?"

No. He isn't my first. I have one baby in heaven.

I don't say that. I say, "Yes, he's my first" because the reality is that is what people want to hear unless there is another child, a living child. And besides, it is all usually just small talk. There is nothing that can make you seem more crazy than TMI about your dead baby to a complete stranger.

But my answer bothers me.

And how about the realization that if she lived, he wouldn't be here. I cannot even imagine not seeing this every day:

He just makes my life soo much happier. Soo much more complete. Soo much more perfect.

My little gift.

My little gift who doesn't nap very long

which is really fine with me

because, truly...I miss him when he's down.